seinfeld: the busboy

i'm not a foodie. i don't, "oh, this is too rare. oh, it's too salty." just eat it and shut up. i'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having. i have eaten rotten rolls off of room service trays in hotel hallways. i have. it's not a joke. this is my life. i don't know, somebody left it. why would someone poison a roll, and leave it in a hallway for some comic coming down at two o'clock in the morning? why would they do that? sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in a little book. what is this? the story of the bill? "once upon a time, there were some very hungry people.." what is this? a little gold tassle hanging down? am i graduating from the restaurant? what is this about?

[jerry, george, and elaine are all eating at an atalian restaurant. george hasn't eaten anything]
e: do you want some of mine?
j: take some of mine.
g: why do i get pesto? why do i think i'll like it? i keep trying to like it, like i have to like it.
j: who said you have to like it?
g: everybody likes pesto. you walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear - pesto, pesto, pesto.
j: i don't like pesto.
g: where was pesto 10 years ago?
j: (gesturing to a man) look at that guy. (elaine starts to look, but jerry stops her) i'll bet you he's gettin' hair transplants. any time you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs.
e: (elaine turns to look at the man, trying to make it sound like they aren't talking about him) the thing about that painting.. is with the colors and um.. (turns back to jerry) oh yeah, plugola.

[george has started eating elaine's food - and continues to do so]
j: (to elaine) oh, one more thing about the car. let it warm up for a minute.
g: that's a tough minute. it's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work.
j: i don't understand why he couldn't take a cab.
g: who?
j: elaine is having a "houseguest." she's picking him up at the airport tonight.
g: a guy?
e: (slightly embarrassed) yes, a guy.
j: he's from a.. yakima, right?
e: seattle.
j: everybody's moving to seattle.
g: it's the pesto of cities. so..?
e: (to jerry) you tell him.
j: well, from what i can piece together, our friend here met a gentleman.
e: ed.
j: who was in town on a business venture, and um..
e: we shared an interpersonal experience. (george hits his glass with his fork. to jerry) go on.
j: so they went out a few times, but apparently, when the fellow returned home, he discovered that the benes tattoo does not wash off so easily.
e: on some people.
g: oooh.
j: so, he's coming in to stay with her for a week.
e: it was just gonna be a weekend, but then somehow it became a week.

[the menu at a neighboring table catches fire. elaine quickly picks up a wine glass - about to put it out, but george tosses the menu on the floor, and stomps it out. the manager approaches)
manager: what happened?
g: oh, the busboy left the menu a little close to the candle.
manager: sorry to the disturbance.
e: (joking, she snobbishly says) i'm never eating here again.
(manager leaves)
j: (pats george on the back) nice going. thank you, that ought to get us a free dessert.. (they can see the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining room doorway) i think the busboy's in trouble.
g: did i get him in trouble? because of what i said?! i just told him what happened.. he didn't do it on purpose.. (mangager and busboy are arguing. the busboy points in the direction of george) he pointed at me. why did he point at me?!
e: i said i would never eat here again.. but, i, i.. he had to know i was kidding.
j: (casually buttering a roll, like he's the innocent one) i didn't say anything.

[the busboy takes of his apron, throws it down, and exits the restaurant]
g: i can't believe it. he's going! he's fired!
e: oh, i said it in a kidding way.
g: i didn't know he'd get fired.
j: (jokingly trying to put more pressure on elaine and george) he'll probably kill his family over this.
g: what if he's waiting for me outside? he pointed at me! did you see him point?!
j: a lot of ex-cons become busboys. they seem to gravitate twards 'em.
g: was it my fault?
e: was it my fault?
j: (doesn't have a care in the world) ..maybe I'll try that pesto.

[jerry's apartment]
j: look, i feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. i mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews.
g: (eating a sandwich) oh, like you really know busboys.
j: oh, like you do.
g: hey, at least i was a camp waiter.
j: (scoffing) camp.
g: it was a fat camp. those kids depended on me.

[the intercom buzzes, jerry talks through it]
j: elaine?
e: (through intercom) yeah.
[jerry pushes a button on the intercom - letting her in]
j: busboys are always changing jobs. that's the business. i know. i work with these guys. i tallk to them in the kitchen at the comedy clubs.
g: then why don't you try and get him another job?
j: i'd love to, but i don't know anything about him. he could be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people with pins.

[elaine enters]
e: i don't know if you people are aware of this, but i am one clever chickadee.
g: what? did you get the busboy's number?
e: his phone's been disconnected, but i was able to obtain an address - 1324 amsterdam avenue, apartment 4d. (hands george a card) now, i did my job. (to jerry) may i have the car keys, please? (jerry hands the car keys to elaine)
g: how did you get all this?
e: does the word "charm" mean anything to you?
j: no. (george grabs his jacket) so now you're going to his apartment? i really think this is nuts.
g: (putting his jacket on) i'd like to apologize. i want to tell him i.. i.. didn't mean to get him in trouble.
j: you, you're going now?
g: yeah, i want to see if there's anything i can do.. maybe get him another job.. maybe i'll hear of something.
j: maybe the fat camp. (to elaine) you're not going?
e: i would, but i have to pick up ed at the airport.
j: i just don't think you should go alone. can't you wait till after my set?
g: it'll take to long.
(kramer enters)
j: take the k-man. a little support..
g: (unsure) i don't a..
k: take me where? where?

[an apartment building hallway]
(george's nervous - standing with kramer infront of the busboy's apartment)
g: look, i really appreciate your coming, but if you wouldn't mind - try not to say too much.
k: what am i gonna say?
g: i don't know.
k: well, i'm not an idiot.
g: certainly not.
k: then we're cool.
g: yeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (knocks lightly. kramer takes charge by knocking on the door louder. the busboy answers) uh, i'm sorry to bother you, i was in the restaurant earlier and i was wondering if i could talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (he gestures for them to come in. they obey) i hope i'm not interrupting anything. it's just that i think i may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting you fired. (nervously laughs) and.. and.. and i just want you to know that i didn't intend for that to happen.
k: (patting george on the shoulder) he's a hell of a guy.
g: this is a guy i know.. kramer.

[antonio, the busboy, is watching them suspiciously]
k: habla espanol?
g: (to himself) oh my god.
antonio: si.
k: como se dice.. waterbed?
g: (interrupting) anyway, i just wanted to let you know i'm really sorry that happened, and if i can help out in any way, i'll certainly be glad to do that. (pause) well, i guess that's about it.
k: you got anything to drink? agua?
g: oy uy uy.. (antonio points to the sink) we really should get going.
k: let me get a glass of water. (heads tward the sink)
g: hurry up.
antonio: (notices that his cat is missing) pequita? pequita? (starts to panic)
k: his cat's gone.
antonio: (notes the door was left wide open) la puerta esta abierta. (starts screaming) la puerta esta abierta! (to kramer and george) who left the door open? (silence) who left the door open?! (kramer and george look at each other) come on, come on! help me look! (all three head out the door to look)

[antonio's apartment]
(all three sit in silence)
k: you know, cats run away all the time. you know, my aunt, she had a cat. ran away. showed up three years later.. you never know. they got things in their brains where they remember where they're from. unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding him. see, that's what you gotta worry about.
g: (gestures for kramer to shut up) once again, antonio, i can't even begin to say how deeply, deeply sorry i am about everything. the job, the cat.. (a lamp breaks) the lamp.
k: the wire was sticking out.. (fits the two broken pieces together) yeah.

g: (hands antonio a card) here's my card. i'm in real estate, so, if you're ever looking for something bigger, something nicer.. (antonio is staring at him, angered) ..maybe not right now. anyway.. (extends his hand for a handshake. antonio doesn't move)
k: you oughta get that wire fixed. (they go to leave) i got the door. (shuts the door, the broken lamp falls to the floor)

[jerry's apartment]
j: (on the phone) george, stop worrying about this guy. it wasn't your fault.. come on, he's not stalking you.
(kramer enters)
k: hey.
j: (to kramer) hey. (to george) he doesn't even know where you live.. who told you to give him your business card?.. (intercom buzzes) that's Elaine.
(kramer buzzes her in. jerry talks into the phone) kramer.. (to kramer) george wants to know when you want to look for the cat again.
k: it's been a week. it's up to the cat now.
j: (into phone) kramer says it's up to the cat now. (to kramer) it'll be on your conscience.
k: oh? how do you figure?
j: (into phone) how do you figure? (to kramer) cause you're the one who left the door open.
k: why was i in charge of closing the door?
j: (into phone) why was he in charge of closing the door? (irritated at the phone message relay, to kramer) cause you came in after him!
k: so!
j: (into phone) so! (to kramer - getting even more angry) so, the last person in should close the door!
k: let me talk to him.
j: (to kramer) talk - call him from your house. (elaine enters. kramer leaves. to phone) he's calling you now.. okay. (hangs up)
e: ed's downstairs. can i have the car keys?
(jerry pitches her the keys as she goes some tward his bathroom)
j: no hello?
e: got any asprin? (finds some) hello. now, lookit, you guarantee this car will get me to the airport tomarrow? no problems?
j: guarantee? ..hey, it's a car.
e: because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem at all, i don't want to take it - because if i don't get this guy on a plane to seattle and out of my life, i'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.
j: (jokingly asking) so, did you have a nice week together?
e: i heard a little ping in the car last time. what was that ping?
j: there's no ping. why are you so wacky?
e: jerry, you cannot imagine how much i hate this guy.. and he hasn't even done anything! it's the situation. he's a wonderful guy, but i hate his guts!
j: so, you two been, uh..
e: no! i told him i've been having my period for the last five days! i'm sleeping all squished over on the edge of my bed.. but, i've only got fourteen hours to go. nothing can go wrong now. i think i've taken care of everything. i've confirmed the plane reservation. i've checked the weather..
j: what's your airport route?
e: i've got it all mapped out - i'm taking the tunnel.
j: what about the van wyck?
e: i spoke to a cab driver. for five bucks, he turned me on to the rockaway boulevard shortcut.
j: oooh.
e: now, lookit, this plane leaves at 10:15. we're getting up at about eight. that gives us enough time, right?
j: you still using that old alarm clock?
e: oh, no, no. i bought a new one today. it's got everything - it's got everything... if you oversleep more than ten minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face.

flying doesn't make me nervous - driving to the airport can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're getting on the plane, if you miss that plane, there's no alternative. on the ground, you have options. you have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. but, when you're taking a flight, if you miss it, that's it. No airline goes, "well, you missed the flight, we do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. would you be interested in that? it's not a direct cannon, you have to change cannons after you land." (imitates cannon operator) "i'm sorry, where you goin'? chicago? (cranks the cannon) oh, dallas? alright, wait a second.. (cranks cannon to dallas) dallas. that's about dallas. texas, anyway. you should hit texas. are you ready? make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you."

[elaine's apartment]
(elaine and ed are in bed. elaine awakes to find out that it's 9:15 - they overslept. she gets frantic)
e: (trying to wake ed up) get up! the alarm clock didn't go off! (shakes him) it's 9:15! you're gonna miss the plane! it's 9:15!
ed: 9:15?
e: yes! 9:15!
ed: (going back to sleep) we'll never make it. i'll leave tomarrow.
e: tomarrow?! are you crazy? no, now, now! let's go! (gets his suitcase from the closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically starts packing) you get dressed! get dressed!
ed: can i shower?
e: shower?! are you out of your mind?!
ed: i gotta shower. i'll feel dirty all day.
e: forget the shower! the shower's out. move it! put your clothes on! put your clothes on! (pulls out drawers of clothes, turning them over in the suitcase. he walks tward the door) where are you going?
ed: the kitchen.
e: the kitchen?!
ed: i've got a bag of cashews in there.
e: they're not making it! let's get your pants on!
ed: what's the big deal if we don't make it? i'll just go tomarrow or the next day.
e: no! you have your ticket! you have to go now!
ed: i'll never make it.
e: don't say that!
ed: but it takes forty-five minutes to get there. that'll only leave me five minutes to get to the plane.
e: shut up and pack!
ed: and what if i don't make the plane? you'll have already left. then what will i do?
e: you're talking too much!
ed: where's my sweater?
e: what?!
ed: my brown sweater.
e: what? what sweater?
ed: my brown sweater.
e: you didn't bring a brown sweater.
ed: i brought a brown sweater.
e: here! here! you want a brown sweater?! (recahes into one of her drawers, and grabs a brown sweater, then packs it) you got a brown sweater!
ed: that's not mine. i can't take your sweater.
e: it's brown! (takes clothes still on the hangers, and dumps them into the suitcase)
ed: what are you doing?!
e: no time for folding.. (looks around) i think that's it. (zips up the suitcase)
ed: my shoes. you packed my shoes.
e: shoes? shoes?! shoes?! shoes weren't invented till the fourth century! people walked around for thousands of years without them! (puts her coat on over her nightie. he picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him, then pushes him out of her way) i got this. let's go!

[erry's apartment]
j: anywhere in the city?
e: anywhere in the city - i'll tell you the best public toilet.
j: okay.. fifty-fourth and sixth?
g: sperry rand building. 14th floor, morgan apparel. mention my name - she'll give you the key.
j: alright.. sixty-fifth and tenth.
g: (scoffs) are you kidding? lincoln center. alice tully hall, the met. magnificent facilities.
(elaine enters. she's still wearing her nightclothes under her coat. her hair is messed up. she's been through quite an ordeal)
e: (slow, as if remember a dream) i never knew i could drive like that. i was going faster than i've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. i was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an olympic skier on a gold metal run. i knew i was challenging the very laws of physics. at queens boulevard, i took the shoulder. at jewel avenue, i used the median. i had it. i was there.. and then.. i hit the van wyck. they say no one's ever beaten the van wyck, but gentlemen, i tell you this - i came as close as anyone ever has. and if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on rockaway boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.

(kramer enters)
k: ..the busboy's coming! the busboy's coming!
g: the busboy's coming?
j: you don't mean here?
k: yeah. i just buzzed him in. he's on his way up..
g: he's coming up?! (moves to the door) i'll check you out later.
j: where are you going?
g: i'm the one he wants! he's coming to settle the score.
j: (trying to get george and kramer out) no. you three all know each other. there's no point in me getting involved at this stage of the game.
k: no, he's not going to do anything. i guarantee it.
g: oh, the hell with it. let him kill me. i..

(there's a knock in the hallway)
k: antonio. in here!
(antonio enters)
g: (nervous, his voice cracks) hey, antonio. how's it going?
(antonio crosses over to george, and gives him a hug)
a: three nights ago, a gas main beneath the restaurant exploded, killing five people in my section, including the busboy who replaced me. if i am not fired that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive remarks, it would have been me. you saved my life. (hugs him again)
g: (trying to be modest) ah, come on..

(the intercom buzzes)
e: (into the intercom) yeah?
ed: it's eddie.
e: he's coming up. (buzzes him in) he's coming up..
a: and that very same night of the accident, while looking for pequita, i found a job in a restaurant where they pay me almost twice what i was making before - and when i returned to the apartment, pequita, perhaps frightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned. well, but now, i must go, for today i am starting my new and wonderful job. and i am very late. thank you, thank you, thank you all. (leaves)

(everyone ad-libs congratulations to george. then, we hear a fight erupting from the hallway)
ed: hey, watch were you're going. you almost knocked my head off!
a: hey, why don't you watch where you're going, okay? cause you bumped into me!
ed: who do you think you're talking to, pal?
a: hey, get your hands off me!
ed: go to hell!

(antonio screams out profanity in spanish, then we hear them getting into a serious fight)

[coffee shop]
j: he'll get another job. he's a busboy!
g: it won't for a while. at least not until after the cast comes off.
j: it was that fall down the stairs. that's what did it.
g: that's not how it happened. it's when he fell on him with his knee.
e: oh, that was awful. poor antonio. (waiter hands elaine two bags of food to go) ..thanks.
g: so, much longer?
e: till when - till he goes back to seattle, or till he can feed himself?
g: (not wanting to make elaine mad) i guess it's not important.
e: take care of yourselves. (leaves)
g: i should probably get going too. if i don't feed pequita by seven, she goes all over everything.. take it easy.
j: yeah.. (takes a bite of his sandwich as the waiter starts cleaning off the table) how ya doing?

first of all, i can't believe that people actually do fight. people have fist fights in life. i can't really believe that we have boxing either. it's really kind of an amazing thing. to me, the problem with boxing is - you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument. why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? they get out, "didn't you see my signal?" "look at that fender!" ..then you'd see a real fight.

seinfeld: the chinese restaurant

a couple of days ago i used a public phone, go over time on the call, hang up the phone, walk away. you've had this happen? phone rings. it's the phone company... they want more money. don't you love this? and you got them right where you want them for the first time in your life. you're on the street, there's nothing they can do. i like to let it ring a few times, you know, let her sweat a little over there, then i just pick it up, "yeah, operator... oh, i got the money... i got the money right here... d'you hear that? (taps on microphone) that's a quarter. yeah, you want that don't you?"

[jerry, elaine & george enter the chinese restaurant]
e: no, they've just got to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as that.
g: cops. i don't even care about cops. i wanna see more garbage men. it's much more important. all i wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. you're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.
j: i tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs, make it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. i always see cops walking around with nothing to do. grab a broom! start sweeping. you sweep sweep sweep... catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping.
e: you should run for mayor.
j: ehh, nobody listens.
e: where is someone? i'm starving.
g: i think this is him right here.
e: is there a table ready?
restaurant manager (bruce): how many?
e: (to jerry) how many?
j: (to george) is tatiana coming?
g: i don't know, i have to call her, tell her where we are. i'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.
j: really? i thought things were going ok.
g: they were, it's kinda complicated.
j: well what is it?
e: how many?
j: ah, alright, four. seinfeld.
bruce: four. it'll be five, ten minutes.
g: what do you wanna do?
e: let's go someplace else, i am too hungry.
j: we might as well just stay here, we haven't got that much time if we wanna make it to the movie.
g: i gotta call tatiana. where's the phone?
j: (to elaine) tatiana...

[george goes over to the public phone. there's a guy using it]
g: excuse me, are you gonna be very long?
[guy on phone just turns the other way without answering]
bruce: lashbrook(sp?), 4!
j: so did i do a terrible thing?
e: you mean lying to your uncle?
j: i couldn't have dinner with him. 'plan 9 from quter space', one night only, the big screen. my hands are tied!
g: (to jerry) you know it's a public phone, you're not supposed to just chit-chat.
e: jerry, get menus so when we sit down we can order right away.
j: can't look at a menu now, i gotta be at the table.
g: he knows i'm waiting. he sees me. he just doesn't wanna look.
e: everything's gotta be just so with you, doesn't it?
j: hey, i offered you those cookies in my house.
e: health cookies. i hate those little dustboard fructose things.
g: i just can't believe at the way people are. what is it with humanity? what kind of a world do we live in?
[Jerry stares at someone]
e: what?
j: there's a woman over there that looks really familiar. dark hair, striped shirt?
e: i've never seen her before.
j: i know this woman. this is gonna drive me crazy.
[a group of people comes in, one of them bumps into elaine]
man: oh, excuse me.
e: i'm sorry.
[the group just walks right into the dining room]
e: didja see that? those people, look, they're getting a table.
j: well maybe they were here from before.
e: no no no, they weren't here before.
g: (to guy) excuse me, are you going to be much longer? i have to make a very important call.
[guy on phone turns away again]
e: find out what's going on!
j: excuse me, didn't those people just come in? i believe we were ahead of them.
e: yeah.
bruce: what's your name?
j: seinfeld.
[bruce starts talking to a chinese woman in chinese]
bruce: no, no, they were here before. keckitch(sp?), 2!
e: did you ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? they think they're so special because they've been chosen. it's enough to make you sick.
j: boy, you are really hungry.
g: (whistles to guy on phone) hey!
[guy on phone smiles at him and turns back. george, annoyed, goes over to jerry]
g: if anything happens here, can i count on you?
j: what?
g: if we decide to go at it.
j: yeah, i wanna get into a rumble...
g: i have to get in touch with tatiana! and look at his little outfit. it's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt. i really hate this guy.
e: i'm gonna faint...
j: george, who is that woman in the stripes?
g: i don't know her.
j: she looks so familiar.
e: ya know, its not fair people are seated first come first served. it should be based on who's hungriest. i feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
j: i'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.
e: what do you mean?
j: you walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- i give you 50 bucks.
g: what are they gonna do?
j: they won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.
e: 50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?
j: 50 bucks. that table over there, the three couples.
e: ok, i don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like i didn't put mustard on it or something...
j: no, no tricks.
e: should i do it, george?
g: for 50 bucks? i'd put my face in the soup and blow.
e: alright, alright. here, hold this. i'm doin' it.

[elaine goes over to the table, smiling]
e: (through her teeth) i know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if i stand here and eat one of your eggrolls.
[the people at the table are confused]
e: (through teeth) i'll give you 25 if you let me do it.
people at table: what? what is she talking about? what did she say?
[elaine runs from the table, laughing]
j: what happened?
e: did you see that?
g: what were you doing?
e: (laughing) i offered them 25, they had no idea...
j: george, the phone's free.
g: alleluia.

[as george reaches for the phone, a woman snatches it and starts dialing]
g: excuse me, i was waiting here.
woman at phone: where? i didn't see you.
g: i've been standing here for the last ten minutes!
woman: well i won't be long.
g: that's not the point. the point is i was here first.
woman: well if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone.
g: (yelling at her) you know, we're living in a society! we're supposed to act in a civilized way.

[he goes over to jerry and elaine]
g: does she care? no. does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? no. no. a resounding no!
[guy on phone approaches george]
guy: hey, sorry i took so long.
g: oh that's OK, really, don't worry about it.
e: how do people fast? did ghandi get this crazy? i'm gonna walk around, see what dishes look good.
j: i told my uncle i had a stomach ache tonight. you think he bought that?
g: yeah, well, he probably bought it.
j: so what happened with tatiana?
g: i shouldn't even tell you this.
j: come on...
g: well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.
j: i'm with you.
g: well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. it's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. you understand? there's no... buffer zone. so, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. and i begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. so i know i'm gonna have to stop. and as this is happening i'm thinking, even if i can somehow manage to momentarily... extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, i know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that i know i'm going to need...
j: this could only happen to you.
g: so i finally stop and say, "tatiana, i hope you don't take this the wrong way, but i think it would be best if i left".
j: you said this to her after.
g: no. during.
j: oh, boy.
g: yeah.
j: wow! so...?
g: so i'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. i don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, i don't have the time to say it. the only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if i told her i am in reality batman, and i'm very sorry, i just saw the bat-signal. it took me 3 days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's (gestures towards woman on phone) still on the phone.

[elaine comes over]
e: i hate this place. i don't know why we came here, i'm never coming back here again.
j: (still trying to remember) who is that woman?!
e: remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure? and now i just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.
g: she's off. (goes over to the now available public phone)
e: jerry, talk to that guy again.
j: what am i gonna say?
e: tell him we wanna catch a movie and that we're late.

[as jerry approaches bruce, a man walks in]
mr. cohen: hey, what stinks in here?
bruce: (laughing) mr. cohen! haven't seen you for a couple of weeks.
mr. cohen: well, i've been looking for a better place.
(bruce laughs)
bruce: better place... want a table?
mr. cohen: no, just bring me a plate and i'll eat here.
bruce: (laughing) give him a plate and you eat here... come on, i give you a table.
j: excuse me... we've been waiting here. now, i know we were ahead of that guy, he just came in.
bruce: oh no, mr. cohen always here.
e: he's always here? what does that mean? what does that mean?
bruce: oh, mr. cohen, very nice man. he live on park avenue.
e: where am i? is this a dream? what in god's name is going on here?!
g: she's not there. she left. she must've waited and left because those people wouldn't get off the phone.
j: didja leave a message?
g: yeah, i told her to call me here and to tell anyone who answers the phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. i better tell him i'm expecting a call.
e: oh, jerry, here comes that woman...
j: where do i know her?
(woman in stripes approaches jerry)
lorraine: hello, jerry!
j: heeeeyyyy... how you doin'?
lorraine: how is everything?
j: good, good, good... what's goin' on?
lorraine: oh, working hard. and you?
j: oh, you know, working around, same stuff, doing... whatever.
lorraine: you haven't been around in a while.
j: i know, i know... well, you know.
lorraine: you should come by.
j: definitely. i plan to, i'm not just saying that.
e: hi, i'm elaine.
lorraine (shaking her hand): lorraine. catalano.
j: i'm sorry, lorraine, this is elaine...
(they all laugh, then silent)
lorraine: well it was nice seeing you, jerry. and nice meeting you. (she leaves)
e: (smug) oh, nice to meet you too, lorraine!
j: oh my god, lorraine... that's lorraine from my uncle's office. i'm in big, big trouble.
e: the one you broke the plans with tonight?
j: yeah, she works in his office. now she's gonna see him tomorrow and tell him she saw me here tonight. he's gonna tell his wife, his wife's gonna call my mother. oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. new york, long island, florida, it's like the bermuda triangle. unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. yy uncle to my aunt, my aunt to my mother, my mother to my uncle...
j: ...my uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister to me.
e: you should've just had dinner with your uncle tonight and gotten in over with. it's just a movie.
j: just a movie?! you don't understand. this isn't 'plans 1 through 8 from outer space', this is 'plan 9', this is the one that worked. the worst movie ever made!
(elaine nods)
j: hey, i got news for you, if we're making this movie, we gotta get a table immediately.
e: alright, ok. let's stop fooling around. let's just slip him some money.
j: in a chinese restaurant? do they take money?
e: do they take money? everyone takes money. i used to go out with a guy who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks.
g: 20 bucks? isn't that excessive?
e: well what do you want to give him, change?
g: it's more than the meal!
j: oh, come on, we'll divide it up three ways.
g: alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. i'm not gonna eat that much!
j: i'm counting your shrimps. ok, who's gonna do it?
g: oh no, i can't do it. i-i'm not good at these things, i get flustered. once i tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, i almost got arrested.
e: i guess it's you, jer.
j: me? what about you?
e: oh, i can't do that, it's a guy thing.
j: the woman's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they?
e: give me the money.
(elaine stands close to bruce, trying to get his attention)
e: how's it going'?
bruce: very busy.
(elaine holds the money in front of bruce)
e: boy, we are really anxious to sit down.
bruce: very good specials tonight.
(elaine puts the bill on the open reservations book)
e: if there's anything you can do to get us a table we'd really appreciate it.
bruce: what is your name? (he turns the page over the money)
e: no no, i want to eat now! (she gets the money from under the page)
bruce: yes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight, very fresh.
e: (gives him the money) here, take this. i'm starving. take it! take it!
(bruce shrugs and takes it)
bruce: dennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies) your table is ready.
e: no no, no, i want that table. i want that table! oh, come on, did you see that? what was that? he took the money, he didn't give us a table.
j: you lost the 20.
e: well, how could he do that?
g: you didn't make it clear.
e: make it clear?
j: what a sorry exhibition that was. alright, let me get the money back.
(goes over to bruce) excuse me. i realize, this is extremely embarrassing, my friend here apparently made a mistake.
bruce: your name?
j: seinfeld.
bruce: yeah, seinfeld 4!
j: no no no, you see the girl there, with the long hair?
(elaine waves at him, smiling)
bruce: oh yes, yes. very beautiful girl, very beautiful. is your girlfriend?
j: well, actually, we did date for a while, but... it's really not relevant here.
bruce: relationships are difficult. it's very hard to stay together-
j: alright, listen, alright. how much longer is it gonna be?
bruce: oh. in about five, ten minutes.
(jerry goes over to elaine and george)
g: so?
j: there seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.
e: so when are we gonna eat?
j: five, ten minutes.
g: we should have left earlier. i told you.
j: i don't see any way we can eat and make this movie.
e: oh, well i have to eat.
j: well let's just order to go, we'll eat it in the cab.
e: eat it in the cab? chinese food in a cab?
j: we'll eat it in the movie.
e: oh, who do you think you're going? do you think that they have big picnic tables there?
j: well what do you suggest?
e: i say we leave now, we go to 'skyburger' and we scarf 'em down.
j: i'm not going to 'skyburger'. besides, it's in the opposite direction, let's just eat popcorn or something.
bruce: (holding a phone) cartwright?
e: i can't have popcorn for dinner!
bruce: cartwright?
e: (tries to snatch food off a waiter's tray) i have to eat!
j: so they have hotdogs there.
e: oh, movie hotdogs! i rather lick the food off the floor.
g: i can't go anywhere, i have to wait here for tatiana's call. let me just check.
(goes over to bruce)
g: excuse me, i'm expecting a call. costanza?
bruce: yeah, i just got a call. i yell 'cartwright! cartwright!', just like that. nobody came up, i hang up.
g: well, was it for costanza or...
bruce: yes, yes, that's it. nobody answered.
g: well was it a woman?
bruce: yeah, yeah. i tell her you not here, she said curse word, i hang up.
(george comes over to jerry and elaine, stunned)
g: she called. he yelled cartwright. i missed her.
j: who's cartwright?
g: i'm cartwright!
j: you're not cartwri-
g: of course i'm not cartwright! look, why don't you two just go to the movies all by yourselves, i'm not in the mood.
e: well me neither, i'm goin' to 'skyburger'.
j: so you're not going?
e: you don't need us.
j: well i can't go to a bad movie by myself. who am i gonna make sarcastic remarks to, strangers? eh, i guess i'll just go to my uncle's.
g: should we tell him we're leaving?
e: what for? let's just get out of here.
(they all leave)
bruce: seinfeld, 4?

hunger will make people do amazing things. i mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. cannibalism, what do they say, i mean, they're eating and, you know, "this is good, who is this? i like this person". you know, i mean, i would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some very deep sleep, you know what i mean? i would think, you'd be like, (pretending to wake up) "who is that? who's there? who's there? is somebody there? what do you want? what do you want? you look hungry, are you hungry? get out of here!"