seinfeld: the baby shower

men flip around the television more than women, i think. men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're watching. you know, we just keep going, "rerun, don't wanna watch it.. " "what are you watching?" "i don't care, i gotta keep going." "who was that?" "i don't know what it was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. it doesn't matter, i gotta keep going." women don't do this. see now, women will stop and go, "well, let me see what the show is before i change the channel." you see? men just fly. because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. that's why we watch tv differently. before there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their entertainment. i always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. just go, "alright start telling me a story, what's happening? i don't want to hear anymore. shut up. go to the next guy. what are you talking about? is there a girl in that story? ..no? shut up. go to the next guy. what do you got? i don't want to hear that either. shut up. no, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. i don't want to hear that. no, the all of you, get out of here. i'm going to bed."

[coffee shop]
g: (shocked) she's pregnant? leslie is pregnant?! oh, see, there is no justice.
j: she's the performance artist, right?
g: (sarcastic) yeah, performance artist. she's a real performer. a real trooper.
j: what's her husband's name, again? chip? kip? skip?
e: todd.
j: todd. oh yeah. (to george) he's a kennedy.
e: no, he's not.
j: c'mon. he's a third cousin, or something.
e: by marriage.
j: oh, by marriage. (to george) we went to their wedding. you should have heard him talking about chappaquiddick - trying to blame the whole thing on bad directions.
g: that woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life.
e: oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman.
e: what, you don't think i can attract beautiful, intelligent women?
j: thin ice, george. thin ice..
g: (sarcastic) maybe for her new performance piece she'll give birth on stage.
e: she stopped performing.
g: (again, sarcastic) oh, what a huge blow to the culture.
j: (gesturing to george) you believe this guy? he holds a grudge like khomeini.
g: she dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in brooklin to see one of her "performances".
j: oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity?
g: god! she's cooking dinner for god! she's yelling and screaming, and the next thing i know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt.
e: it was an accident!
g: oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. she was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! then, for the rest of the show, i'm sitting there with chocolate all over my shirt. flies are landing on me. i'm boiling - i'm fantasizing all the things i'm gonna say when i see her. and later, finally, backstage when i talk to her, i'm a
groveling worm. "what kind of chocolate was that? do you throw any other foods?"
j: (to elaine) he thought he still had a shot.
g: and then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! never even, never even said goodbye! never called me back.. never apologized. nothing. kike i was dirt.
j: what ever happened with the shirt?
g: i still have it. the collar's okay. i wear it under sweaters.
e: i don't know what i'm gonna do. she asked me to give her a baby shower.
j: asked you? you're not going to do that are you?
e: anyone else, never. but, leslie - i have a problem saying no to. for some reason, i seem to want her approval.
g: let maria shriver give her a baby shower.
j: ask not what i can do for you - ask what you can do for me.
g: (germanic) ich bin ein sucker.
e: oh, would you two stop with the kennedys? why does everybody make such a big deal about he kennedys? what is this fascination?! who cares?! it's all so boring..
g: she doesn't deserve a baby shower. she deserves a baby monsoon. she deserves rosemary's baby!
e: (to jerry) i do have one teeny little problem, though.
g: never said goodbye. never apologized. nothing.
e: see, i was gonna give the shower in my apartment..
j: but?
e: my roommate has lyme disease.
j: lyme disease? i thought she had epstein-barr syndrome?
e: she has this in addition to epstein-barr. it's like epstein-barr with a twist of lyme disease.
j: how did she get lyme disease?
e: i don't know. she did some outdoor version of hair in danbury, connecticut.
j: they still do that play?
e: it's a classic.
j: with all the nudity?
e: i guess. she must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in.
g: (still mad a leslie) never said goodbye. goodbye!
j: explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
e: what do you wanna know?
j: well, i mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
e: rarely.
j: there's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there?
e: no.
j: when is this suppose to be?
e: saturday.
j: saturday?.. well, i have a show in buffalo on Saturday. they're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they?
e: i'll take full responsibility. you won't regret it.
j: 'cause i've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. just like one wrong turn, and boom! and entire buffet is swept off the table.
g: someday, before i die, mark my words - i'm gonna tell that woman exactly what i think of her. i'll never be able to forgive myself until i do.
j: and if you do?
g: i still won't be able to forgive myself - but at least it won't be about this.

[jerry's apartment]
(jerry's tv's not giving a clear picture. he messes with the dials as kramer looks over his shoulder)
k: what are you doing this for? look at you..
j: quiet. i'm trying to get a picture.
k: but you don't have to do this! this guy is waiting in my house.
j: (pleading) leave me alone.
k: it's a one-time fee. a hundred and fifty bucks. why live like this?!
j: i'm not getting illegal cable!
k: oh, so what are you gonna do? you gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? they're gonna be in court for years.
j: no, i read in the paper..
k: (sarcastic) oh, oh, the paper..
j: well, they might hook us up again.
k: oh, god, you're so naive! all the cable companies care about is the "big mammoo." (jerry wacks the tv) oh, look at you! you're banging things.. pathetic. just wasting your life. i'm offering you fifty-six channels - movies, sports, nudity. and it's free! for life!
j: stop shouting! you're ruining the reception.
k: can you hear yourself? can, can, do you know what you're saying?!
j: what you're suggesting is illegal.
k: it's not illegal.
j: it's against the law.
k: well, yeah.
j: (gesturing to the rabbit ears) just, just, hold this. can you hold that?
k: (holding the rabbit ears) look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? he's an amazing man. he's a Russian immigrant. he escaped the gulag. he's like the sakharov of cable guys.. he'll slow down your gas meter. he sells slugs, jerry. slugs for the subway.
j: a real human rights nut, huh?
k: yeah. he's intense, man.
j: i don't know. what if i get caught?
k: oh, you're not gonna get caught. look, let me get him. man, it's the nineties, it's hammer time! come on, just let me get him.
(kramer drops the rabbit ears, and goes to his apartment. he then returns with a russian cable guy - anatoly tabachnick, and his assistant. tabachnick mumbles, shakes, laughs, then wanders around the apartment. jerry looks confused)
j: you know, why don't we wait? Because, I'm going out of town tomarrow.
tabachnick: tomarrow okay.
k: no problem. yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back.
j: (mutters to himself) every time i turn on the tv, sirens are gonna go off. they're gonna track me down like a dog, i know it..
k: no, no, now look now, jerry, jerry, it's no risk. i swear. the mets have seventy-five games on cable this year..
j: (pauses, thinking about what kramer just said) put it in.
k: you won't regret it. (jerry mutters some more, kramer rubs his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with a reluctant jerry) jerry's gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy..

[jerry's apartment]
(jerry enters carrying luggage. a group of men in suits are waiting for him)
man: mr. Steinfeld?
j seinfeld.
man: we're with the fbi. you wanna tell us about your cable hook-up?
j: my cable hook-up? what about it?
man: it's been illegally installed, mr. Steinfeld.
j: it has? i've been out of town. how did you know?
(an agent leads kramer out of the bedroom into the living room)
k: jerry, i had to tell them. i had to. i had no choice. they were onto the scam from the very beginning.
man: you're in serious trouble, mr. Steinfeld.
j: wait a minute. wait a minute, hold on! we're just patsies. we're just a couple of users.. we never sold the stuff. what about the russian guy? the russian guy is the guy you want.
(tabachnick steps out of the bedroom. he's dressed like the other fbi men, and speaks without an accent now)
tabachnick: mr. seinfeld, agent stone. fbi. undercover.
(jerry looks around for an excape, then makes a mad dash for the door)
k: no! jerry! (the fbi agents open fire. jerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of bullets. kramer leans next to a fallen jerry, cupping jerry's head in his hands) cable boy, cable boy.. what have you done to my little cable boy?..

[airplane]
(jerry shudders when looking back on his dream. a stewardess approaches)
j: excuse me. can i get something to drink?
stewardess: i'm afraid not.
j: what's with this airline? what are you, cutting out the drinks now?
stewardess: no sir. we're flying into a blizzard. please fasten your seat belt. we're making an emergency landing.
j: (sarcastic) are they gonna go over the instructions again?
(the passenger, bill, next to him offers his hand)
bill: my name is Bill. i might be the last person you ever see.

i'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, i have no arguement with that. i think fear of flying is quite rational because, human beings cannot fly. humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "this isn't right. i shouldn't be doing this. i don't belong here."

[george's car]
{george is driving while wearing an unzipped coat, and a sweater with a bright red collar under it. jerry's riding shotgun)
g: sounds like a rough trip.
j: oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. and then, when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed.
g: so, the college cancelled the gig?
j: well, there was so much snow. the roads were closed. i really appreciate it - you picking me up. thanks again.
g: (modestly) forget it.
j: no, really.. an airport run.
g: it's nothing.
j: hey, it's one thing if i asked you "could you do me a favor?" ..but to suggest it?..
(g obviously up to something. jerry doesn't suspect anything yet)
g: whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes you stop and think. you appreciate having a real friend.
j: (joking) you know, if richie brandes did this, i'd be suspicious, you know. he's always got some ulterior motive.
g: (laughs nervously) ..ulterior motive.
j: oh, wait a minute. wait a minute. don't take the bridge.. get off here. we can't go back to my place, elaine's having the shower.
g: (obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) what, tonight? now?
j: yeah, yeah. i forgot all about it. alright, it's no big deal. we'll just go back to your place.
g: my place? no, no, no. i hate my place. i don't wanna go back to my place.
j: You want to get a bite?
g: yeah, i would. it's just, you know, i just ate a whole pot roast.
j: well, so what should we do?
g: shouldn't we at least drop off your bag?
(jerry's suddenly suspicious. he notices george's red collar, then reaches over and pulls the sweater down)
j: red shirt! red shirt! that's the red shirt!
g: (nervous) what are you talking about?
j: you're wearing the chocolate shirt!
g: i am? what a strange coincidence..
j: a - ha! nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning..
g: (pleading) you gotta let me go over there.
j: what are you gonna do? badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! what are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda?
g: no, i'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale bosco that i had to live with for three years, and i'm gonna say, "remember this shirt, baby?! well, now, it's payback time!"

[jerry's apartment]
(leslie is talking to a group of people, including elaine)
leslie: we just bought an apartment on riverside drive. bernard goetz's mother used to live there.
e: so, where's todd?
leslie: up in hyannisport.
e: oh my god, hyannisport? with the kennedys? who else is up there? is rose up there?!
woman: (to leslie) so, when's your due date?
leslie: aarch twentieth, nine a.m.
woman: you know the time!
leslie: i'm having a planned C-section. my therapist told me if i go through labor, i might get psychotic.
e: leslie, leslie, whatever happened to sargent shriver? is he still with them? you don't hear much about him these days. is he out of the loop?
leslie: (takes a bite of food) elaine, who catered this, sears?
(kramer bursts through the door, followed by tabachnick and his assistant. tabachnick looks over a woman, and nods approvingly. the woman freeze at the sight, then disperse nervously)
e: (whispering to kramer) what is this?! what are you doing here?
k: we're putting in cable.
e: the cable? no, no, no. i'm having a party here. you can't do this now!
k: oh, we have to do this now.
(tabachnick and his assistant are leering at the women)
e: who's this guy?
k: which one?
e: both of the them.
k: oh, they're soviet cable guys.
e: okay.. does jerry know about this?
k: oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah.
e: you can't! you can't do this now!
k: elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is? now, if i send him away now, it's gonna take jerry months to get him back.. he won't like that.
e: alright. just do it fast and then get out.
k: (snaps his fingers) anatoly! (the russians get to work on command. to elaine) look, it's gonna take a few minutes.. then, you and the gals can take a load off and watch something on lifetime.

[george's car]
j: and what if we go up there? what are you going to say to her?
g: (boiling) what am i going to say?!
j: yeah.
g: what did you go out with me for?! just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! i don't deserve that kind of treatment! what, you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! to apologize! you think i'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored?! who's shirt can be ruined without financial restitution?! some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? you think you can avoid me like i have some sort of disease?! you have the disease! you have the disease! you may be beautiful and rich and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! you disgust me! you and everyone like you!
j: you'll never say that to her face.
g: watch me.

[jerry's apartment]
k: (flirting with a female guest) yeah, i eat the whole apple. the core, stem, seeds, everything.
e: (to kramer) kramer, kramer, look at him. (gestures to tabachnick) look! he's eating all the food!
k: yeah, yeah. well, you know, there are many differences between american and soviet cultures that you're not aware of. see, in russian, the cable guy, they got the whole run of the house. yeah, that's tradition. (turns back to the woman) did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple?
(tabachnick and his assistant start to argue, then they start fighting)
e: kramer!
k: (trying to break up the fight) uh.. excuse me..
(everyone's watching the fight. kramer breaks it up. tabachnick walks to the bathroom while his assistant returns to work. tabachnick bangs on the door, and shouts in russian. a woman finally gets out. tabachnick gets into the bathroom and slams the door shut. jerry and george enter. elaine runs up to greet them)
e: what are you doing here? i thought you were out of town for the weekend.
j: the show was cancelled. there was a blizzard.
e: i can't believe you told kramer it's okay to put the cable in during the shower! jerry, look, look! they've eaten everything.
(leslie approaches them)
l: jerry, what a surprise! i thought you sere out of town.
j: well, leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
e: (speaking confidentially to george) george, don't even think about it! don't even dream about it!
g: (unconvincingly coy) about what?
tabachick: (sticks his head out the door) kramer, kramer, kramer..
(kramer rushes over, and quickly closes the bathroom door as tabachnick joins his assistant at the food table. george is ready for leslie - he takes off his sweater, revealing the chocolate stain. he walks over to leslie)
g: leslie.
l: yeah?
g: george.. (she doesn't seem to recognize him) george costanza.
l: hi.
g: (laughs) you, i guess, you don't remember me.. but we actually, kind of um.. went out.. a couple of years ago.. once.. remember?
l: vaguely.
g: you took me to one of your shows..
l: and?
g: and, um, it was quite good. in fact, you even incorporated me into the show. i'm not actually a performer. although, my parents felt i had talent..
(scene cuts to Jerry)
mary: jerry?! (a woman, angry at jerry, approaches him. jerry looks confused) remember me?
j: i'm sorry, i..
mary: (livid) mary contardi. no? doesn't ring a bell, jerry? we had a date, three years ago. you took me to one of your shows.
j: (stammering) oh, i, i, think i remember..
mary: told me you had a great time! said you'd call me the next day.
j: well, i'm sure i meant to call.. i probably just lost your..
mary: liar! liar! you were never going to call me! you thought you could waltz throught the rest of your life and never bump into me again! but you were wrong, jerry! you were wrong! what do you think, i'm some sort of poor, pathetic wretch?!
j: no, i don't think that..
mary: some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! some insignificant piece of dust?! some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your attention?! you're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and my attention! you're the insignificant piece of dust!
(she feigns, spitting on the floor near jerry's shoes, and storms out. scene cuts to george. leslie's bored to death)
g: actually, i never had any formal training. i guess i'd be better suited for improvs, or something..
(mary runs for the door, pushing leslie into george. her chocolate cake is now all over george's shirt)
l: thanks a lot!
(scene cuts to the front door. elaine is saying goodbye to a few women who are rushing out the door)
e: i'm sorry you have to go.
woman: yeah. i really have to be going.
(scene cuts to jerry. he notices the cable guys)
j: alright, listen, i've changed my mind about this whole thing. i don't want cable.
k: don't be a fool.
tabachnick: you don't want?
j: no, i don't want. so, just tell me what I owe you for your trouble..
tabachnick: (confers with his assistant, then) four hundred dollars.
j: (to kramer) four hundred dollars?1 you told me one-fifty!
(scene cuts to elaine by the door. leslie has her coat on, and is ready to leave)
l: i'm going.. obviously.
e: oh, leslie, i am so sorry about everything that went on here tonight. you know, i had no idea..
l: elaine, you know, i was watching you tonight, and i realized something. you're just like you were in college.
e: (not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) oh, thank you. (leslie leaves. then elaine wonders to herself) "like you were in college"?
l: (comes back, and yells in the direction of the bedroom) come on! let's go!
(george comes out from the bedroom, carrying all the shower gifts - embarrassed)
g: (sheepishly to elaine) i'll be right back. (leaves)
j: (defiantly) i'm not paying four hundred dollars! i don't even want the thing. what are you going to do?!

[jerry's apartment]
(jerry's tv screen is cracked. george and elaine are slumped on chairs)
g: every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. and yet, i want them all.. is that irony?
e: why can't i meet a kennedy? ..i saw john junior once downtown. i was on a bus. i hit the ding, but.. it didn't stop.
j: alright, i said i had a good time and i'd call, but who takes that literally?
k: (pops his head into jerry's apartment) hey, come on over, dr. zhivago's on cable in five minutes.. i'm making popcorn! (leaves)

what do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? what do you say? what do you say? no matter what you say, it's a lie. "i'll see you around. see you around. if you're around, and i'm around, i'll see you around that area. you'll be around other people. you won't be around me. but you will be around." "take care now." did you ever say that to somebody? "take care now. take care, now. because, i'm not going to be taking care of you. so, you should take care, now." "take care. take care." what does this mean? "take off!" isn't that what you really want to say? "take off now."

seinfeld: the deal

i've been watching women in the department stores. they're trying on clothes, and i've noticed that they do it differently from men. women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes, you see? they take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against themself. they can tell something from this. they stick one leg way out 'cause they nedd to know, if some day i'm one-legged, and at a fourty-five degree angle, what am i gonna wear? you never see a man do that. you never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, "what do you think about this suit? i think i'll get it. yeah, it looks fine. put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, i wanna make sure. yeah, perfect. and what if i'm walking? move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes.

[while jerry and elaine are sitting on jerry's couch watching the tube, elaine is flipping through the channels constantly.

j: what are you doing? all right, all right. what's the matter with that? what about that one?
e: robert vaughn, the helsinki formula?
j: he was good in man from uncle.
e: guess whose birthday's comin' up soon?
j: i know, i'm having my root canal the same week.
e: oh, right. i hope you have a good oral surgeon because that can be very serious. (changes channel) hey, look at naked people.
j: no, i don't wanna see the naked people.
e: been a while?
j: i have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago.
e: i think my last time was in rochester. my hair was a lot shorter.
j: i remember that it's a good thing. someday, i hope to do it again. (jerry looks at elaine)
e: what?
j: what?
e: what was that look?
j: what look?
e: the look you just gave me.
j: i gave a look?
e: yes.
j: what kind of look?
e: i know that look.
j: then what was it?
e: why should i tell you?
j: well, you're the big look expert. i wanna see how smart you are.
e: trust me. i know the look. (pause) so...
j: what?
e: what about the look?
j: i don't know.
e: you got something on your mind?
j: no. things pop into your head. you?
e: things occur to me from time to time.
j: yeah, me too. well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely.
e: no, of course not.
j: i mean, it was something we did. probably about, what? twenty-five times?
e: thirty-seven.
j: yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (points to bedroom)
e: we know the terrain.
j: no big surprises.
e: nope.
j: what do you think?
e: i don't know. what do you think?
j: well, it's something to consider.
e: yeah.
j: i mean, let's say we did.
e: what if.
j: is that like the end of the world or something?
e: certainly not.
j: why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?
e: i know.
j: i mean, really, what is the big deal? we go in there. (points to the bedroom) we're in there for a while. we come right back out here. it's not complicated.
e: it's almost stupid if we didn't.
j: it's moronic.
e: absurd!
j: of course, i guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.
e: we, there are always a few.
j: i mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.
e: devastating.
j: because this is very good. (points back and forth between them to indicate friendship)
e: and that would be good. (points to bedroom)
j: that would be good too. the idea is combine the this and the that. but this cannot be disturbed.
e: yeah, we just wanna take this and add that.
j: but of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. maybe some rules or something.
e: huh.
j: for example, now, i call you whenever i'm inclined and vice versa.
e: right.
j: but if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call.
e: well why should that be? oh, i have an idea. i have an idea. no call the day after that.
j: beautiful. let's make it a rule.
e: all right, sir.
j: now here's another little rule. when we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. but sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. when that is not really sleep. sleep is separate from that. and i don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.
e: okay, okay. spending the night is optional!
j: well now we're gettin' somewhere.
e: what about the kiss goodnight?
j: tough one. you're call.
e: it's brug-wa (?).
j: fine. well.
e: well.
j: you ready?
e: ready.
j: so think you can handle this?
e: definitely. (runs into bookshelf)

[jerry's apartment the next day. kramer enters.]
k: hey.
j: hey.
k: got the paper?
j: not yet.
k: no paper?
j: i haven't been out yet.
k: well, what's taking you so long? (elaine enters from the bedroom. kramer is a little shocked) uh? oh, well, yeah... (he exits)


[george and jerry at monk's]
g: what's the deal with aquaman? could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water?
j: no, i think i saw him on land a couple times. so how's the job situation goin'?
g: still lookin'. it's pretty bad out there. what about you?
j: nothin' much. i slept with elaine last night.
g: oxygen! i need some oxygen! this is major.
j: i thought you'd like that.
g: oh, this is huge!
j: i know.
g: all right, okay. let's go, details.
j: no, i can't do details.
g: you what?
j: i can't give details.
g: no details?
j: i'm not in the mood.
g: you ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. now you listen to me. i want details and i want them right now. i don't have a job, i have no place to go. you're not in the mood? well you get in the mood!
j: all right, okay. we're in the apartment watching tv.
g: where are you sitting?
j: on the couch.
g: next to each other?
j: no, separated.
g: time?
j: about eleven.
g: okay, go ahead.
j: so she's flipping around the tv, and she gets to the naked station.
g: oh, see? that's why i don't have cable in my house. because of that naked station. if i had that in my house, i would never turn it off. i wouldn't sleep, i wouldn't eat. eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. all right, all right. so you're watching the naked station.
j: and then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex.
g: boy, these are really bad details.
j: it pains me to say this, but i may be getting to mature for details.
g: oh i hate to hear this. that kind of growth really irritates me.
j: well. i'll tell you though. it was really passionate.
g: better than before?
j: she must've taken some kind of seminar or something.
g: this is all too much. so what are you feeling? what's going on? are you like a couple again now?
j: not exactly.
g: not exactly. what does that mean?
j: well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (george laughs hysterically and stands oiut of his seat)
g: where are you living? are you here? are you on this planet? tt's impossible. it can't be done. (he sits back down) thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. so all of a sudden the two of you are going to come along and do it. where do you get the ego? no one can do it. it can't be done.
j: i think we've worked out a system.
g: oh, you know what you're like? you're like a pathetic gambler. you're one of those losers in las vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.
j: no, this is very advanced. we've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by advancing all of the relationship pitfalls.
g: sure, all right. tell me the rules.
j: okay. no calls the next day.
g: (to himself) so you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call. that's pretty good. (back to jerry) go ahead.
j: you ready for the second one?
g: i have tell you, i'm pretty impressed with the first one.
j: spending the night. optional.
g: no, you see? you got greedy.
j: no, that's the rule. it's optional.
g: i know less about women than anyone in the world. but one thing i do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. i could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (displays with french fry) you're not going anywhere.
j: i think you're wrong.
g: i hope i am.

[at elaine's apartment, jerry opens the fridge and pulls out a piece of cake]
j: is this yours or the roommate's?
e: the roommate's.
j: would she mind?
e: she keeps track of everything.
j: well, that's too bad, 'cause i'm takin' it.
e: thanks.
j: well, guess i'll get going.
e: oh.
j: well, i have that root canal tomorrow morning. it'll be easier if i go home.
e: fine, go away.
j: i don't understand. is there a problem? (elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) i'm getting the impression there's a problem.
e: just go.
j: i'm having surgery tomorrow.
e: oh, surgery. you're going to the dentist.
j: but you said, it can be very serious.
e: okay, so fine. go.
j: what happened to the rules? remember? sleeping over was optional.
e: yeah, it's my house, it's my option.
j: it has nothing to do with whose house it is.
e: oh, of course it does. (elaine's roommate, tina, enters)
tina: hi.
e + j: hi.
tina: hi, jerry.
j: hi.
tina: such a great improv class tonight.
e: oh really?
tina: i had this improv where i pretended i was working in one of those booths. you know, in the amusement park, where you have to shoot the water in the clown's mouth and you have to blow up the balloon.
e: uh, tina? could you excuse us for just one second?
tina: oh, yeah. i'll excuse you. (she walks away)
e: what are you doing?
j: i can't go if you're mad.
e: i'm not mad.
j: you seemed a little mad.
e: no, no. jerry, i'm fine really. it's okay.
j: so you're okay with everything?
e: definitely. are you?
j: definitely. well, goodnight.
e: goodn-- (he starts to kiss her) what're you doing?
j: what?
e: rules.
tina: hey, who took my cake? (jerry exits quickly)

[jerry and george are at the store]
g: what about jewelry? that's very nice gift.
j: no, no. i have to be very careful here. i don't want to send the wrong message. especially after the other night.
g: maybe i'll get her some jewelry.
j: no, no. you can't get her anything better than me. whatever i spend, you have to spend half.
g: what am i supposed to get, a bazooka?
j: you don't understand. i'm in a very delicate position. whatever i give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.
g: what does she need? maybe there's something that she needs.
j: i think i heard her say something about a bench.
g: a bench? what kind of a bench?
j: i don't know, but she mentioned a bench.
g: what, like at a bus stop?
j: i don't know.
g: like a park bench?
j: i have no idea.
g: who puts a bench in their house?
j: forget the bench.
g: i got it. you wanna get her something nice? how 'bout a music box?
j: no, too relationshippy. she opens it up, she hears that laura's theme, i'm dead.
g: okay, what about a nice frame? with a picture of another guy in it. frame says i care for you, but if you wanna get serious, perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.
j: nice looking fellow.
g: what about candle holders?
j: too romantic.
g: lingerie?
j: too sexual.
g: waffle maker.
j: too domestic.
g: bust of nelson rockefeller.
j: too gubernatorial.
g: let's work on the card.

[jerry and elaine sitting on his couch. elaine holding a present]
j: maybe you won't like it.
e: oh, how could i not like it? of course i'll like it.
j: you could not like it.
e: just the fact that you remembered means everything.
j: of course i remembered. you reminded me everyday for two months. oh, the card. (she opens)
e: cash?
j: what do you think?
e: you got me cash?
j: well this way i figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. no good?
e: who are you, my uncle?
j: well come on. that's $182 right there. i don't think that's anything to sneeze at.
e: let me see the card. (reading) to a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more? (kramer enters)
k: hey. oh, elaine. i'm glad you're here. stay right there. i'm gonna be right back. (he exits)
e: pal? you think i'm your pal?
j: i said, "and more."
e: i am not your pal.
j: what's wrong with pal? why is everyone so down on pal? (kramer enters with present)
e: oh, what is this? you got me something?
k: yeah. open it.
e: oh kramer... (she opens it) the bench! you got me the bench that i wanted! (jerry looks irritated)
k: that's pretty good, huh?
j: great.
k: remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? i made a mental note of it.
j: well goody for you.
k: oh yeah, i'm very sensitive about that. i mean, when someone's birthday comes up, i keep my ears open. so what'd you get her?
j: 182 bucks.
k: cash? you gotta be kidding. what kind of gift is that? that's like something her uncle would get her.
e: (reading card) think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was i had such a friend.
k: (to jerry) yates.
e: oh kramer. (they embrace)
j: could you excuse us please?
k: what?
j: we're talking.
k: oh, the relationship. (he leaves)
j: you know, we never had one fight before this deal.
e: i know.
j: never.
e: ever.
j: we got along beautifully.
e: like clams.
j: tt was wonderful.
e: a pleasure.
j: so i think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends.
e: i can't do it.
j: you what?
e: i can't do that.
j: you mean it's... (she nods) no this. no that. no this or that. oh, boy. what do you want?
e: this, that, and the other.
j: oh, sure. of course, you're entitled. who doesn't want this, that, and the other?
e: you.
j: (starts to correct then realizes) well...

[jerry and george at monk's]
g: those birthdays. i told you. they're relationship killers. if a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out.
j: i never should have made up those rules.
g: what is it about sex that just disrupts everything? is it the touching? is it the nudity?
j: it can't be the nudity. i never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when i was changing before gym class.
g: you know what this means? i can't see her anymore either.
j: why?
g: it's break up by association. besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present.
j: what did you end up giving her?
g: 91 dollars.
j: sorry about that.
g: so what're you gonna do?
j: well, if i call her, there's no joking around anymore. this is pretty much it.
g: so, maybe this should be it.
j: could be it.
g: she seems like an it.
j: she's at it as you get. imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. and she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in vermont...
g: we'd have to kill him.
j: we'd get caught, i'd get the chair.
g: i'd go to prison as your accomplice. i'd have to wear that really heavy denim. go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people.
j: plus, you know what else.
g: you better call her.

[jerry's apartment, kramer enters]
k: hey.
j: hey.
k: you got the paper yet?
j: yeah.
k: well where is it? (elaine enters from bedroom with newspaper) hey, you done with that?
e: no.
k: well, you're not reading it now.
e: all right, you can take it. but i want it back.
k: oh yeah. so, ah, what're you guys gonna do today?
e: ah, this. and that.
j: and the other.
k: boy, i really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple. (he exits)

seinfeld: the heart attack

you know, i tell ya, i gotta say that i'm enjoying adulthood. for a lot of reasons. and, i'll tell you reason number one: as an adult, if i want a cookie, i have a cookie, okay? i have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if i want. many times i will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. just ruin it. and then, i call my mother up right after to tell her that i did it. "hello, mom? yeah, i just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies." so what if you ruin.. see, because as an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. there's no danger in running out of appetites. i've got millions of them, i'll ruin them whenever i want!

[jerry's apartment]
(jerry's sitting on his couch in the dark, watching tv)
tv: (germanic) look, sigmund. look in the sky. the planets are on fire. it is just as you prophesied. the planets of our solar system, incinerating. like flaming globes, sigmund. like flaming globes.. ah, ha, ha, ha..
(jerry's now asleep)

[jerry's bedroom]
(jerry's laying in his bed. he wakes suddenly, picks up a pen and scribbles something down on a pad. he laughs, shakes his head, then goes back to sleep, laughing to himself)

[coffee shop]
(jerry looks tired. he's staring at a crumpled piece of note paper. george takes out a cucumber from a bag in his pocket)
e: what do you got, a cucumber?
g: yeah, so what?
e: you're bringing in an ouside cucumber?
g: they refuse to put cucumber in the salad. i need cucumber.
j: (trying to read the note) what have i done? i can't read this! ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? i got up last night, i wrote this down, i thought i had this great bit.
(tries to focus on the paper) wait a second, wait a second.. "fax me some halibut." is that funny? is that a joke?
e: no. let me see that. (takes the paper from jerry) don't-mess-with-johnny."
j: johnny? johnny who? johnny carson? did i insult johnny on the tonight show?
e: (joking) did you mess with johnny, jerry?
g: let me see that. (studies the note)
e: hey, where's kramer?
j: i don't know. that's like asking "where's Waldo?"
g: (still holding the note) i think i'm having a heart attack.
j: i don't think that's it.
g: i'm not kidding.
j: what does that mean?
e: i think what he's trying to say is that he's having a heart attack.
j: oh, he's having a heart attack.
g: tightness..
j: c'mon.
g: shortness of breath..
j: oh, this is ridiculous.
g: radiating waves of pain..
j: i know what this is. you saw that show on pbs last night, coronary country. (to elaine) i saw it in the tv Guide. i called him and told him to make sure and not watch it.
g: there was nothing else on. oh, the left arm.. the left arm.
j: (to elaine) he saw that show on anorexia last year, and ate like an animal for two weeks.
g: why can't i have a heart attack? i'm allowed.
j: so what do you want? you want me take you to the hospital?
g: manhattan memorial, less of a line.
j: i'll call an ambulance. (exits)
(a waitress approaches. george is dying, but the waitress doesn't seem to notice)
waitress: is everything alright?
g: we'll just take a check. (she leaves the check. george, in all his cheapness, can't help but to review the check. he finds an error) you made a mistake on the..
e: george!

[hospital room]
(george lies in the bed. he has ekg cups on his chest, a tube up his nose, and an iv in his arm. the man in the neighboring bed seems to be in pain)
man: ooohhh... argghhh..
g: are.. are you okay?
man: ooooooohhh..
g: i'm george.. george costanza.. i've never been in the hospital a day in my life.. except when i had my tonsils out. you know, they never gave me any ice cream. i always felt that-
man: shut up!

(scene goes to jerry. he's standing at the doorway, showing the note to a nurse)
j: well? what do you think?
nurse 1: "salami, salami, bologna." definitely.
j: "salami salami bologna"?
doctor: (in a hurry) oh, your friend's fine. he didn't have a heart attack. i'll be in - in a few minutes.
j: (sarcastic) what a surprise. (enters george's room overly sympathetic - leading george to think that the doctor told jerry something significant) hey, how ya doin' buddy? you need anything? do you want me to go out and get you a superman comic?
g: no, no thanks.
j: (still going along with the practical joke) you know, i was wondering.. you know that black hawks jacket you have?
g: oh, sure, my black hawks jacket. i love my black hawks jacket.
j: well, you know, i was thinking - if things don't exactly work out..
g: well, it wouldn't fit you. the sleeves are too short.
j: no, i tried it on. it fits good.
g: well, i didn't really think about what i was gonna do with all..
j: well, you know..
g: (reluctantly) well, okay.
j: oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if i called susan davis?
g: susan davis? (getting possessive) hey, wait a second..
j: well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you.
g: i don't know.. you and susan davis?
j: you know, if your future was a little more certain..
g: okay, go ahead. call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. what do i care? i'm finished. (really depressed) it's all over for me. in fact, let's end it right now. jerry, kill me, kill me now. i'm begging you. let's just get it over with. be a pal.. just take the pillow and put it over my face.
j: well, ah.. (takes his pillow) what? kind of like this? (violently smothers george with the pillow. george freaks out. he didn't think jerry would actually do it)
g: what are ya doing?! whadya, crazy?!
(elaine enters - she gets a clear shot of jerry's jokingly trying to kill george)
e: jerry!
j: (acts like he was cought red-handed) elaine, what are you doing here? (takes the pillow off george, and puts it back on his bed)
g: (to jerry) jerk off.
(jerry goes over to elaine)
j: (whispering) there's nothing wrong with him. i saw the doctor. he's fine.
(they both go to george's bed. elaine decides to go along with jerry's joke)
e: hi, george. how ya feeling? is anybody getting your apartment?
(jerry and elaine both sit down, and have their own conversation. they completely ignore george)
g: i'll tell ya, if i ever get out of here, i'm gonna change my life. i'm gonna do a whole zen thing. take up yoga, meditate.. i'll eat right. calm down, lose my anger.. (sees jerry and elaine aren't listening. he snaps) hey, is anybody listening?!
(the doctor enters. elaine and the doctor exchange an awkward, romantic glance)
doctor: (to elaine) uh, hello. (to george) uh, mr. costanza?
g: (panicky) uh, yeah. you know, doctor, i gotta tell you, i feel a lot better.
doctor: well, we looked at your ekg's, ran some tests, did a complete work-up.
g: (getting in a more panicked state) oh god, mommy!
doctor: and you simply haven't had a heart attack.
g: (relieved) i haven't? i'm okay? i'm okay? oh, thank you, thank you, doctor! i don't know how to thank you.
j: (sarcastic) hey, that was really fun, george. can we go home now?
doctor: no, actually, we'd like to keep him here overnight for observation, just to be safe.
g: oh, sure. sure, anything. can you believe it? there's nothing wrong with me.
doctor: well, i wouldn't go that far.
g: (starting to panic again) what? oh my god. what? is it meningitis? scoliosis? lupis?! is it Lupis?!
doctor: have you ever had your tonsils taken out?
g: my tonsils? yeah, when i was a kid.
doctor: well, they've grown back. your adenoids are swollen too.
g: really?
e: (jokingly hits the doctor) whose tonsils grow back? (laughs)
doctor: it happens.
j: yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays.
e: i still have my tonsils. everyone in my family has their tonsils. in fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils.
doctor: that's interesting. because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people.
j: (sarcastically) well, it's like the capulets and the montagues.
g: (drawing attention back to him) excuse me!
doctor: anyway, i strongly recommend they come out.
g: what? you mean with a knife?
doctor: yes. with a knife. you know, snip, snip. anyway, you'd be completely under, you wouldn't feel a thing. and when you wake up, you can have some ice cream.
g: (angry) yeah, that's what they told me the last time.
doctor: think about it. (turns to leave, but runs into elaine) excuse me.
e: (flustered) oh, i'm sorry. (doctor exits) i just.. have to ask that doctor one more question. (leaves)
j: women go after doctors like men go after models. they want someone with knowledge of the body.. we just want the body.
(kramer enters, eating off a tray of hospital food)
k: hey.
j: hey.
k: boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.. it's like a sizzler's opened up a hospital! (sits and starts eating) so, how did you have a heart attack? you're a young man. what were you doing? are they gonna do a zipper job? oh, they love to do zipper jobs.
j: (trying to shut him up) kramer.
k: the really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. see, you gotta be careful about sex now. you get that heart pumping and suddenly, boom! next thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage.
j: kramer, george didn't have a heart attack.
k: no? that's good.
g: i have to have my tonsils taken out.
k: oh man.. no.. george, we gotta get you outta here. get out! right now! they'll kill ya in here.
j: (trying to calm george down) it's routine surgery.
k: oh yeah? my friend, bob saccomanno, he came in here for a hernia operation.. oh yeah, routine surgery.. now he's sittin' around in a chair by a window going, "my name is bob" .. george, whatever you do, don't let 'em cut you. don't let 'em cut you..
g: well, what should i do, kramer?
j: well, for one think, don't listen to him.
k: i'll tell you what to do, i'll tell you what to do. you go to tor eckman. tor, tor, he'll fix you right up. he's a herbalist, a healer, george. he's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the whole way you function - body and mind.
j: eckman? i thought he was doing time?
k: no, no, he's out. He got out. see, the medical establishment, see, they tried to frame him. it's all politics. but he's a rebel.
j: a rebel? no. johnny yuma was a rebel. eckman is a nut. george, you want to take care of your tonsils, you do it in a hospital. with a doctor.
k: he's holistic, george. he's holistic.
g: holistic.. that sounds right.
j: george, you need a medical doctor.
g: (to jerry) let me ask you something.. how much do you think it would cost to have tonsils and adenoids removed in the hospital?
j: well, an overnight stay in a hospital? minor surgery? i dunno, four grand.
g: uh-huh. and how much does the healer charge?
k: first visit? thirty-eight bucks.
g: oh, yeah? holistic.. that's what i need. that's the answer.

[healer's apartment]
(jerry and george are sitting on huge pillows on the apartment floor. kramers fiddling with an acupuncture model)
g: so, how do you like the way i talked you into comin' down here?
j: don't flatter yourself, my friend. i'm here strictly for material, and i have a feeling this is a potential gold mine.. i still think you're nuts, though.
g: all i know is i've been going to doctors all my life. what has it gotten me? i'm thirty-three years old. i haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, i'm already facing the problems of old age. i completely skipped healthy adulthood. i went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. you could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. i've never had a normal, medium orgasm.
j: (jokingly making fun of george) i've never had a really good pickle.
g: besides, what's it gonna cost me? thirty-eight bucks?
(tor enters. he hugs kramer for a long time, then walks over to jerry and george)
tor: (to jerry) would you not put your foot on that please?
j: sorry.
(tor sits down, and turns tward george)
tor: what month were you born?
g: april.
tor: you should have been born in august. your parents would have been well-advised to wait.
g: really?
tor: do you use hot water in the shower?
g: yes.
tor: stop using it.
g: ..okay.
k: i'm off hot water.
tor: kramer tells me that you are interested in an alternative to surgery.
g: yes, yes i am.
tor: (blows into george's face) i think we can help you. see, unfortunately, the medical establishment is a business like any other business. and business needs customers. and, they want to sell you their most expensive item which is unnecessary surgery.
g: (still on the showers) can i use hot water on my face?
tor: no. You know, i am not a business man. i'm a holistic healer. it's a calling, it's a gift. you see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. you see, that insures good business. you're not a patient. you're a customer.
j: (he thinks this, the audience can hear his thoughts) and you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.
g: (still on the hot water) what about shaving?
tor: (to jerry) you're eating too much dairy. (to george) may i? (reaches over, and touches george's face)
g: i guess so.
tor: (feeling george's face) you see, you are in disharmony. the throat is the gateway to the lung. tonsillitis, adenoiditis, is, in chinese medical terms, and invasion of heat and wind.
j: (again, we hear his thoughts) there's some hot air blowing in here..
tor: you know, i lived with the eskimos many years ago, and they used to plunge their faces into the snow.
g: (once again, still on the shower) could it be lukewarm?
j: too much dairy? you really think i'm eating too much dairy?

[doctor's car]
(the doctor and elaine are almost done with their date. the doctor is speaking seductively to elaine while holding out her tongue)
doctor: ..the tongue.. yes, the tongue.. or, in medical terms, the glossa. it's a muscular organ.. consists of two parts.. the body, and the root.. you see, it's covered by this mucous membrane.. these little raised projections are the papillae, which give it that furry appearance. very tactile..
(the doctor is still holding her tongue)
e: uh-huh.

[healer's apartment]
tor: (oouring tea) your tea is ready now. this will solve your so-called tonsil problem. it's a special concoction. it contains crampbark.
j: o love crampbark.
tor: cleavers.
j: cleaver, i once had cleaver as a kid. i was able to lift a car.
tor: and some couchgrass.
j: couchgrass and crampbark? you know, i think that's what killed curly.
(tor hands george the tea. george isn't willing to drink it right away. jerry looks skeptical, kramer, on the other hand, is enthusiastic)
k: go ahead, drink it, george.
j: excuse me, tor. may i ask you a question? you have intuitive abilities. you're in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind of things.. i have this note i can't read. i was wondering if-
tor: (takes the note, then laughs when he reads it) oh, yes.. yes.. "cleveland 117, san antonio 109.. (hands note back to jerry)
k: go ahead, drink it, george.
g: (takes a sip) hey, it's not too bad..

[ambulance]
(george's strapped down on a gurney. his face is purple, and he's screaming. jerry and kramer are trying to calm him down. the driver and the assistant in the back are having a huge fight)
g: (in a state of hysteria) i'm an eggplant! i'm an eggplant! i'm a minstrel man!
driver: (to assistant) i didn't take your chuckle, man!
assistant: i had five chuckles. i ate a green one, and the yellow one, and the red one is missing!
driver: i don't even like chuckles!
j: (to assistant) maybe he doesn't like them. that's possible.
g: my face! my face! get me to the hospital!
assistant: i want that chuckle! you hear me?!
j: (to assistant) i'll get you a ghuckle. you want me to get you a chuckle?
assistant: (angry, to driver) pull over!
driver: pull over? did you say pull over?! you want a piece of me?!
assistant: yeah!
j: you're gonna fight?
g: now?! i'm a mutant!
k: (to driver) hey, let me drive.
assistant: come on, man. pull over!
driver: alright! i'm gonna mess you up, man!
(ambulance comes to a screeching halt. driver gets out, and the assistant heads for the back door)
j: (pleading) really, gentlemen, please.
g: my heart! my heart! (to assistant) where you going? are you crazy?!
assistant: i'm gonna kick his ass.
k: (to assistant) hey, you have keys?
g: you can't leave! this is an ambulance! this is an emergency!
(the assistant leaves. jerry, kramer, and george watch the two fight)
j: all this for a chuckle.
k: what's a chuckle?
j: it's a jelly candy. it comes in five flavors.

[doctor's car]
(he's still holding elaine's tongue)

doctor: you see, taste buds run on grooves along the surfaces.
e: can you let go of my tongue now?
doctor: what?
e: let go of my tongue!
doctor: (lets go) oh, sorry.
e: well, i should get going.. (the doctor leans in for a kiss. elaine stops him) what are you doing?
doctor: i was going to kiss you good night.
e: a kiss? with the tongue? the glossa with the bumps and the papillae? ..yech, i don't think so. (leaves)

[ambulance]
(it's now moving. the driver's behind the wheel, but the assistant is nowhere in sight)
j: you just can't leave him out there.
driver: i told him i was gonna mess him up.
k: well, can you call him an ambulance?
driver: i told him I didn't take his chuckle. i don't eat that gooey crap!
k: hey, watch the road! watch the road, man!
driver: (turns back, facing kramer) hey, man, you want some of what he got?!
j and k: watch out!
(the ambulance crashes into something)

[hospital room]
(george is in the bed, watching tv, wearing a neck brace. jerry enters limping and wearing a neck brace, also. he talks to george, but george can't respond verbally)

j: how ya doing? (george nods) can't talk? (george shakes his head. jerry gestures to his brace) hey, how'd you get the plastic one? (george raises his eyebrows) i like that. (george sticks his tongue out) so how's life without tonsils? (george quickly indicates with his arm that he wants ice cream) what? what's that? ..so, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? like, five, six thousand?.. (george signals that it's more) well, live and learn.. at least we lived. kramer went to eckman.. he feels better already.. (george motions for ice cream again) what are you doing?
(elaine enters)
e: oh, poor george. oh, i'm sorry, but i can't stay long. i don't want to run into doctor tongue.. here, i brought you something. (takes out a pint of ice cream. george gets excited) oh, please, come on.. it was nothing.
(nurse enters)
j: hey, check the tv.
(the tv is showing the same exact movie jerry was watching at the start of the show)
tv voice: (germanic) it's just as you prophesied. the planets of our solar system, incinerating. like flaming globes, sigmond. like flaming globes. ah, ha, ha, ha..
j: (pulls the note out of his pocket) that's it! that's it! flaming globes of sigmond! flaming globes of sigmond! that's my note! tha'ts what i thought was so funny?! ..that's not funny.. there's nothing funny about that.
man in neighboring bed: shut up!
(george throws the whole carton of ice cream over the separating curtan)
man: aaahhhgggg!

i have a friend who's a hypochondriac, always thinks he's sick - never is. and they, you have another type of person, always thinks they're well, not matter how bad they really are. you know this type of person? very annoying. "feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung machine. i never felt better in my life." medical science is making advances every day in control health problems. in fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack, you know, becomes like, a head ache. we'll just see people on tv going, "i had a heart attack this big (holds out hands, gesturing bigness) ..but, i gave myself one of these. clear! (puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) brrhht.. and it's gone!"