lbb - she's not a podiatrist
(i was strangely calm waiting to meet the woman derrek dated before me)
(so calm, in fact, i never questioned the gown...)
(or the need for easy access)
-so when was your last period?
my what?
-your menses
i don't understand
-okay, each month you might notice a change in your body
i understand what you mean
i just don't know why you'd want to know
-barbara campbell?
--hyphen-dunn
yes
-i'm dr. keyes
hi
-so, what brings you in here today?
warts
really painful
-all the time?
well, mostly when you step on them
heels, you know. ouch
i have a bit of a shoe fetish. stilettos
i'm trying to stay away from them. it's my bad
-well, maybe you can be more specific as to where the warts are
-you wanna use this mirror?
no, that's not necessary
i'm very flexible. they're sort of deep down
just look way deep down inside
you can't really see them unless you look inside
-well, maybe not that way. why don't you just relax, barbara
okay
-that's a good girl. there you go
-just going to put your feet in these stirrups
stirrups?
gynecologist? not a podiatrist? ten-to-1 those aren't for the opera
-and we'll have a little look-see
look-see? where?
-oops
-someone left their panties on
oops
-just
-there you go. good girl
-good
-comfy?
(well, let's see
i'm spread-eagle for my boyfriend's ex, who's about to go searching for warts)
super. thanks
-barbara, you know what they say, right?
-you can never be too rich, too thin, or too far down on the table
-so let's scooch you. there we go. perfect
-i'm going to insert the speculum now
(oh, good. narration)
-you may feel a bit of pressure
-would you take a look at that cervix, nurse kisilevsky?
-textbook. i'm not the first person who's told you that, i'm sure
can't hear it enough
(it was all too horrible. i had to avert my eyes)
(which made me focus on a sight more horrific)
(midst what seemed like an unusual amount of dr. keyes's beauty shots)
(stood a picture that jumped out. big. dr. rachel keyes and bob?)
(stinky bob! why would she have a picture with him unless he was hers?)
(worse, theirs. i needed to take control. fast!)
dr. keyes, i work with the kippie kann show
you would never be interestted in being on television would you?
-call me rachel
-i started the vitamin company about a year and a half ago. it's just taken off
oh? and look. your picture's on it
-i fought them on that
sure you did. so tell me, rachel
what did you have to sacrifice to get here?
relationships? family? pets?
-i never wanted to settle in order to settle down
-you know what i'm talking about
oh, yeah. back to pets
i noticed a picture of a dog in the examination room
so happy looking
-bob
-he's my ex's dog, but i raised him
-he was such a cuddler
your ex's?
-the dog. i could've lobbied to keep him whe we split
-but med school by day, the book by night
you wrote a book?
-here we go. second printing
-take one. i'll just bill you for it. it's a play on words
"keyes to your vagina."
clever. oh, and there's that picture again
so anyways, bob, is it?
-yeah, he's with derek. my ex
-but i have visitation rights
oh, really?
-sure
-the photograph in the exam room was taken a few weeks ago at a picnic
(a picnic? a few weeks ago?)
(he went on a picnic with this self-obsessed prodigy?)
(my head was spinning)
-anyway, barb. good news
-your warts have cleared up


