seinfeld: robbery

so i move into the cener lane. i get ahead of this woman who felt, for some reason, i'd cut her off. so she pulls up alongside of me, gives me the finger. it seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick up a finger and you show it to the person. it's a finger. what does it mean? someone shows me one of their fingers, and i'm supposed to feel bad. that the way it's supposed to work? i mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you? i would feel worse if i got the toe than if i got the finger. it's not easy to give the toe. you gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive, get it up in the..."look at that toe, buddy." i mean, that's really insulting, to get the toe, isn't it?

s: that it? i've got the q-tips, got the mini-umbrella. something boring to read on the plan. that's it. done.
e: that is the single greatest packing performance i have ever seen.
s: i am the master packer.
e: yeah. right. you're the master packer.
s: what you must understand, elaine... packing is like leading mean into battle. you've got to know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier. from a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks.
e: excuse me, master packer?
s: yes?
e: just give me your keys.
s: all right, sir. george?
g: yeah.
e: okay, so, now, is there anything else i need to know about this place?
s: yeah. the hot water takes a while to come on. so the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, then come back and take a shower.
e: okay, this is quite a place.
s: there's more. the regrigerator. deduct a minimum of two days off all expiration dates. no meat, no leftovers, no butter. and i cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. is that clear?
e: i'll eat out.
s: and one more thing, benes, regarding sexual activity. strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favor. do it in the tub.
g: are you ready?
s: yeah. one second.
g: hey, elaine.
e: hi.
g: you coming to the airport?
e: i'm staying for the weekend. i getting a break from my roommate.
g: oh, the actress/waitress.
e: no. the waitress/actress. she just got some part in some dinner theater production of a chorus line. so now all day long she's walking around the apartment singing: god, i hope i get it. she's gonna get it, right in the...
g: why don't you just kick her out.
e: she's on the lease. george, you have got to find another place for me.
g: yeah, well, a little rough finding something good in your price range. hey, but you, my friend, may be in luck.
s: i'm not looking.
g: no, this one's differrent. it's a beauty.
s: what's it like?
g: i haven't seen it yet. but it's a two-bedroom, it's on west 83rd, about a half-block from the park.
s: how much?
g: twice what you're paying here, but it's a great building. it's two bedrooms.
s: two bedrooms? why do i need two bedrooms? i've got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. i saw that.
e: yo ought to at least take a look at it.
s: realy? why?
e: because then i could move in here.
s: i know what you're saying now.
e: it's time you got out of here, anyway.
g: yeah, tell him, but quickly. i'm double-parked here.
e: listen, jerry, this place is falling apart. you have no hot water. you can't have soft cheese.
g: let's not forget the radiator. the steam's been on for 10 years. no human can turn this off.
e: jerry, come on. you're doing okay now. you should at least take a look at this place. you shouldn't have to live like this.
s: you just said you wanted to live here.
e: well, for me it's a step up. it's like moving from iceland to finland.
g: jerry, you wanna see the place or not?
s: i can't think about it now. i'm going to minneapolis. i got four shows this weekend.

s: elaine? elaine?
e: jerry? jer-- oh, hi. welcome back. how were the shows?
s: great. i had fun. where's the tv? where's the vcr? what?!
e: they were stolen.
s: stolen? when?
e: a couple of hours ago. the police are coming right over.
s: stolen?
e: someone left the door open.
k: oh, yeah.
s: you left the door open?
k: oh, well, you know, i was cooking, and i came in to get the spatula. i left the door open because i was gonna bring the spatula right back.
s: wait, you left the lock open or the door open?
k: the door.
s: the door? you left the door open?
k: i was bring the spatula right back.
s: yeah, and...?
k: well, i got caught up watching a soap opera. bold and the beautiful.
s: so the door was wide open.
k: wide open.
e: excuse me.
s: and where were you?
e: i was at bloomingdale's, waiting for the shower to heat up.
k: look, jerry, i'm sorry. you have insurance, right, buddy?
s: no.
k: how can you not have insurance?
s: because i spent my money on the clapco d-29. it's the most impenetrable lock on the market today. it has only one design flaw: the door must be closed!
k: jerry, i'm gonna find your stuff. i'm gonna solve it. i'm on the case, buddy. i'm on the case.
s: don't investigate. don't pay me back. it was an accident.
k: i made a mistake.
e: these things happen.
k: i'm human.
s: in your way.
police: let's see, that's one tv, a stereo, one leather jacket, a vcr, a computer. is that about it?
e: answering machine.
s: boy, i hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls.
police: what do you mean?
s: it's a joke.
police: i see. well, mr. seinfeld, we'll look into it. we'll let you know if we find anything.
s: do you ever find anything?
police: no.
s: well, thanks anyway.
police: you bet.
e: i didn't get that joke either.
s: the crook has the machine. the messages arent' for him. he's the crook. why would he answer--? how did you get in here?
g: i walked in. you lobby door is broken again.
s: again?
g: i don't know how you put up with this.
e: yeah. tell him, george.
s: you would still wanna move in here?
e: yes. you don't understand. i'm living with ethel merman without the talent.
s: is that other apartment still available?

i got ripped off for about the eighteenth time. the first couple of times you go through it, it's very upsetting. your first reaction, or one of your friends, will say: "call the police. you really should call the police." so you think to yourself, you know, you watch tv, you think: "yeah, i'm calling the police. stakeouts, manhunts. i'm gonna see some real action." right? you think that. so the police come over to your house. they fill out the report. they give you your copy. now, unless they give the crook his copy... i don't really think we're gonna crack this case. do you? it's not like batman, where there's three crooks in the city, and everybody pretty much knows who they are. very few crooks go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. ijt makes them a lot tougher to spot. "did you lose a sony? it could be the penguin. i think we can round him up. he's dressed like a penguin. we can find him. he's a penguin."

e: well, come on. this is an apartment. this is a home. this is a place to live. a fireplace! are you kidding me? does this work?
g: i didn't know there was a fireplace. a fireplace! that's incredible.
s: how do you get all that wood in here?
e: they deliver.
s: they deliver wood?
e: yeah.
s: what do you tip a wood guy?
g: i didn't know there was a fireplace.
e: look. look, look at this. there's a garden.
g: a garden? i can't believe there's a garden.
s: would i have to get a gardener?
e: yeah, you can get a gardener.
s: you tip him?
e: you can.
g: you don't tip a gardener.
e: you can tip a gardener.
g: you don't need a gardener.
e: jerry, you can barbecue back here.
s: they deliver the coal?
e: sure. it's probably the same guy who deliver the wood.
s: oh, then i gotta tip him.
e: oh, man, this place is incredible. look at all this great light.
s: i don't have any plants.
g: i have plants.
e: jerry, look at this closet. look at this. i'm walking in it. it's a walk-in. can you believe it? i'm nuts about this. what do you think?
s: i like that. what do you think, george?
g: it's your decision.
s: i'm taking it. i'm taking the place. i'm gonna take it. this is gonna be my new place. i'm living here. i'm moving.
e: you're moving? that means i'm moving. gee, is that incredible?
g: congratulations.

e: what about the couch?
s: you like the couch? tell you what i'm gonna do.
e: what?
s: you're moving in, you're a good friend. i wanna start you off on the right foot. give me... a hundred and fifty dollars. in fact, get it out of here right now.
e: excuse me. a hundred and fifty dollars? for what? for this couch?
s: yeah.
e: for this couch?
s: okay, you tell me. what is it worth?
e: okay... i tell you what. i could go as high as... i don't know. maybe... twenty dollars?
s: yeah?
g: yeah, it's george.
s: come on up.
s: forget it, i'm gonna take it with me. i'll just pack up the cushions...
e: okay. okay, you win $40.
s: you wanna help me get it in the hall?
e: fifty dollars, okay? is that all right?
s: fifty dollars? thank you very much.
e: thank you very much.
g: hey. what's going on?
e: i just bought jerry's couch for $50.
s: so did you bring the lease? okay. gee, three years. that kind of seems like a long time.
g: jerry, jerry, jerry. listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all, at all... do not feel like you have to take it.
s: why?
g: if you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it... don't worry about it, because, you know, i... i could take it.
s: you could take it? you want it?
g: no, i don't want it. i want it if you don't want it.
s: so you do want it.
g: i want it if you don't want it.
s: you just said you wanted it.
g: no, i'm saying if a situation arose... in which you didn't want it, i might take it.
s: so take it.
g: how can i take it?
s: how can i take it?
g: it's your apartment.
s: how can i want it now, if you want it?
e: excuse me. i don't mean to cause any trouble... but, george, if you take it, can i take your place?
g: yes, but i am not taking it.
s: i am not taking it.
e: well, one of you better damn well take it.
s: well, what do you wanna do here?
g: i don't know.
s: you wanna flip a coin?
g: who flips? you flip, i'll call.
s: okay, fine.
g: all right. all right.
s: this is the official flip. no crying, no guilt. winner takes all and that's it. agreed?
g: i'm good.
e: i don't know who to root for. george's place has carpeting.
s: all right. now, you call it in the air.
g: no catching.
s: no, no.
g: all right, flip it. heads!
s: tails.
g: no, it hit the table.
s: so what?
g: interference. you can't count that. come on, are you crazy? the coin cannot touch anything. it affects it.
s: you didn't call "no interference."
g: you don't have to call it. that's a rule!
s: i don't believe this.
g: all right. fine, jerry. you win. take it, just take it.
s: i don't wanna win it like this. elaine, what do you think?
e: i better not.
s: i'll tell you what, i'll choose you for it. straight choose, three takes it. no disputes. that's it. you gotta win three.
g: okay. okay. i'll choose you. what do you want?
s: odds.
g: i want evens.
s: good.
g: you got odds.
s: you got evens.
g: right. ready.
s: for the apartment.
(once, twice, three, shoot!)
s: mine!
(once, twice, three, shoot!)
s: mine!
(once, twice, three, shoot!)
g: mine!
(once, twice, three, shoot!)
g: congratulations. congratulations.
s: thanks.
g: i'm just gonna wash... why did i put out two? why did i put out two?!
k: jerry? i think i'm on to something. i think i found your stuff. you know the englishman who lives down the hall? the last couple days, he's been acting very strange. i think he's avoiding me.
s: hard to imagine.
k: yeah, and get this. i just got off the elevator with him and i tested him. i tested him, like, this is what i said, like this. i went: "oh, by the way, i know about the stuff." you know, very casual so he'll take me into his confidence.
e: so, what did he say?
k: "what stuff?"
s: oh, case closed.
k: no, no. you don't understand. see, he swallowed. see, the guy, he swallowed. oh, he was nervous about something. now, i'm gonna go over there. i'm gonna borrow some tea. if i don't get back in five minutes, you better call the police.
s: okay. starting now!
k: yeah.

one problem in life is... as a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements. and those laws do not work in the adult world. one of the main ways that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. one of them says, "i got the front seat." "i wanted it." "i called it." and the other kid knows he's got nothing to say. "he called it. what can i do?" if there was a kid court of law, it holds up. "your honor, my client did ask for the front seat." and the judge would go, "did he call it?" "well, no, he didn't call it." bang. "he has to call it. case closed. objection overruled."

g: i love the mirror in that bathroom. i don't know what in the hell it is, i look terrific in that mirror. i don't know if it's the tile or the lighting. i feel like robert wagner in there.
s: it'a good mirror. what are you getting?
g: i don't know. what can you eat? you can't have anything anymore. look at this, look at this. eggs, out. coffee, out. french fries, out. blt, out. i visit my grandparents, they're eating big brisket sandwiches. i'm sitting there with a carrot. the're closing in on 100, i'm saying to them, "how can you eat that stuff?" i'm so sick about losing that choose. you don't know. i...
s: all right. forget it. forget it. i'm not taking the place.
g: what?
s: how can i live there?
g: why not?
s: you're still thinking about it. i'll never feel comfortable.
g: oh, get out of here.
s: how can i ever have you over? you'll sit there moping.
g: i won't mope.
s: you're already moping. would you take the place?
g: no. impossible. it's your apartment.
s: you found the place.
g: you won the choose.
s: all right. forget it. i'm not moving.
g: well, me neither.
s: definitely?
g: definitely.
s: all right, then, just get rid of it. you won't have any problem.
g: no, it's not a problem. i can get rid of the apartment this afternoon.
waitress: what apartment?
g: oh, it's a great place. it's a two-bedroom... west 83rd, half-block from the park.
waitress: what's the rent?

g: i hate housewarmings. what are we doing here? this is ridiculous.
s: shw wanted to thank us for the apartment.
e: i can't believe i lost the deposit on that u-hall... and i threw out my couch.
s: if only the coin hadn't hit the table.
g: the table is interference, you know it.
s: it is not.
g: it is too.
e: my roommate starts rehearsal tonight on carousel.
waitress: hi.
g: oh, hi, carol.
waitress: i just wanted to introduce you to my husband. this is larry. this is george, elaine and jerry. these are the guys who get us the apartment.
waitress's husband: you don't know how grateful i am. if there's anything i can do to repay you... we're just so thrilled with this place.
waitress: it's a dream!
waitress's husband: i'm running in thepark, i've lost weight... we're barbecuing every night. and the rent is unbelievable.
g: we're really glad for you.
e: wouldn't be happier.
s: it's wonderful.
waitress: oh, diane. diane, come here. this is my new next-door neighbor, diane. these are the guys who turned this place down. can you believe it? diane gave me the greatest back rub today. she's a masseuse.
diane: how would you guys have turned this place down? it's such a great location and it's so close to the park.
g: we're aware of the proximity to the park.
diane: well, it was nice to meet you.
g: nice meeting you.
s: how late are the stores open? i'm thinking of maybe buying a new tv... and smashing it over my head.
(so i get a call from gilmore this morning. they're restructuring the organization in atlanta. i gotta be there on the 1st. really? what about your apartment? what can i do? i'll give it up.)
(what's the rent?)

seinfeld: the stake out

so i'm on line at the supermarket. two women in front of me. one of them, her total was $8. the other, $3. they both, of course, choose to pay by the use of the check. fact is, if it is a women in front of you that's writing out the check, you'll not be waiting long. i have noticed that women are very fast with checks. you know, because they write out so many checks. the keys, they can never find. they don't know where that is. but the checkbook, they got that. they never fumble for the checkbook. the checkbook comes out of a holster. "who do i make it out to? there's my id." there's something about a check, that, to a man, is not masculine. i don't know exactly what it is. i think, to a man, a check is like a note from your mother. "i don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, i'm sure they'll stick up for me. if you could just trust me this one time. i don't have any money, but i have these. i wrote on these. is this of any value at all?"

s: what's that one?
e: cocoon ii, the return. i guess they didn't like it up there.
s: maybe they came back for chinese food. you know, maureen stapleton gets a craving. she's probably screaming at those aliens: "i gotta have a lo mein."
e: okay, what are we doing here? i have seen everything.
s: oh, yeah? i don't believe you've seen this.
e: oh, lovely.
s: yeah.
e: what do you think their parents think?
s: "so, what's your son doing now, dr. stevens?" "oh, he's a public fornicator." "yes, he's a fine boy."
e: you know, this would be a really funny gift for pamela's birthday.
s: pamela. do i know her?
e: yeah, you met her when we were going out.
s: oh, yeah, right.
e: you have no idea who i'm talking about, do you?
s: no.
e: blond hair, remember? glasses. have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?
s: riverside drive.
e: right. in fact... no. never mind.
s: well, what is it?
e: a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow at some bar for her birthday, but you don't want to go to that. no. okay.
s: wait a second. wait a second. we could work out a little deal here.
e: what little deal?
s: i will go to that. you go with me to the little family wedding i have on saturday.
e: a wedding? have you lost it, man?
s: my parents are coming in for this.
e: they're coming in?
s: yeah, tomorrow.
e: hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?
s: no, no. still doing the big sweep across.
e: why does he do that?
s: doesn't think anyone can tell. so, come on, do we have a deal?
e: a wedding?
s: there's a lot of people to mock.
e: all right. what the hell.
s: great.
customers: when you're dead, you're dead. that's it. you're not going anywhere.

e: come on. let's go.
s: was i supposed to bring something?
e: yo could have.
s: i met her one time.
e: it is not necessary.
s: then what did you say that for?
p: hi.
e: hi, pamela. you remember jerry?
p: yes, we met.
s: happy birthday.
p: thanks. everybody, this is jerry and elaine.
(hi-hi)
s: i didn't bring anything.
p: i put you two right here.
s: oh, okay. i'm sorry. i didn't know what-- you know. nobody's told me anything about this...
lawyer: how big a tip you think it would take to get him to stop?
s: i'm in for 5.
lawyer: i'll supply the hat.
s: (ohoh, what do we have here?)
lawyer: why don't you relax, and take your jacket off.
s: i can't. i have a tendency to get chilly.
lawyer: how masculine.
s: plus i'm wearing short sleeves. i don't want to expose my tattoos. (she's unbelievable.)
lawyer's brother: hey, this guy says he know bricker.
lawyer: oh, you know bricker? from where?
s: (what's going on here? got to be her boyfriend. she's too good to be alone. what's the difference? i can't maneuver anyway with elaine next to me.)
lawyer: how do you know pamela?
s: friend of a friend. and you?
lawyer: we went to law school together.
e: oh, jerry.
s: (oh, no. not now.)
e: i had this dream last night, and you were in it.
s: really?
e: yeah.
s: (oh, god, i gotta get out of this.)
e: you were you, but you weren't you.
s: no kidding?
e: yeah.
s: (why is this happening? please make her stop.)
e: i think-- i think we were in my house where i grew up, and you were standing there. you were looking out the window.
s: (this is brutal.)
e: and then, you turned around, and you had these wooden teeth.
s: how do you like that? (can i turn now? is this over? no, i can't. i can't. i'm stuck.)
e: jerry, are you listening to me?
s: yea. i heard you.
p: elaine, what's the name of that jewelry store you took me to that time?
s: (thank you, pamela.) so, you're a lawyer?
lawyer: sagman, bennett, robbins, oppenheim and taff.
s: (sagman, bennett, robbins, oppenheim and taff.) of course, they handled my tattoo-removal lawsuit.
lawyer: oh, that was you.
s: imagine. spelling "mom" with two o's.
lawyer: that's very funny. what do you do?
s: comedian.
lawyer: really? that explains it.
s: (sagman, bennett, robbins, oppenheim and taff.)
lawyer's brother: you ready?
lawyer: we gotta run. happy birthday. bye, everyone.
p: thanks for coming.
lawyer: bye.
s: bye. (i can't believe it. i got nothing. i don't even know her name. sagman, bennett, robbins, oppenheim and taff.)

s: that wasn't so bad, really.
e: you know, you could use a little work on your manners.
s: why? what did i do?
e: well, i just don't appreciate these little courtesy responses, like i'm selling you aluminum siding.
s: i was listening.
e: no. you couldn't wait to get back to your little conversation.
s: no, you were talking about the dream you had...where you had wooden teeth.
e: no! no! you had wooden teeth! you had wooden teeth. i didn't have them, you did.
s: all right, so i had wooden teeth. so what?
e: so--so nothing. nothing.

apparently plato who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship was pretty excited about it. he named it after himself. he said, "yeah, i got this new thing. platonic. my idea, my name. calling it after myself. what i do is, i go out with the girls. i talk with them. don't do anything, and go right home. what do you think? i think it's going to be big." i bet you other guys in history tried getting relationships named after them, but it didn't work. i bet you there were guys that tried to do it. just went: "hi, my names' rico. would you like to go to bed immediatedly? hey, it's a 'riconic' relationship."

s: hey.
dad: there he is.
s: this is what i like. see? you come home, your parents are in your bed.
mom: you know, jerry, we don't have to do this.
s: what are you talking about? i love having you here.
mom: tomorrow, we'll go to a hotel.
s: ma, will you stop?
mom: no. why should we take over your apartment?
s: i don't care. i'm sleeping next door.
mom: your friend kramer doesn't mind?
s: no. he's making a bouillabaisse. so, dad, let me ask you a question. how many people work at these big law offices?
dad: depends on the firm.
s: yeah, but if you called and described someone, you think they would know who it was?
dad: what's the matter, you need a lawyer?
s: i met someone. i know where she works, but i don't know her name.
mom: why don't you ask someone who was at the party?
s: no. the only one i could ask is elaine. i can't ask her.
dad: why not?
s: because it's complicated. there's some tension there.
mom: he used to go with her.
dad: which one is she?
mom: from maryland. she brought the chocolate-covered cherries you didn't like.
dad: oh, yeah. very alert. warm person.
s: oh, yeah, she's great.
mom: so how come nothing materizlized there?
s: well, it's a tough thing to talk about. i don't know.
mom: i know what it was.
s: you don't know what it was.
mom: so, what was it?
s: well, we fight a lot for some reason.
mom & dad: oh, well.
s: and there's was a little problem with the physical chemistry.
mom: well, i think she's a very attractive girl.
s: she is. she absolutely is.
mom: i can see if there was a weight problem.
s: no, it's not that. it wasn't all one-sided.
mom: you know you can't be so particular. nobody's perfect.
s: i know, i know.
dad: you know, jerry. good thing i wasn't so particular.
mom: idiot. who you looking for, sophia loren?
s: that's got nothing to do with it.
dad: how about loni andnerson?
mom: where do you get loni anderson?
dad: why, what's wrong with loni anderson?
mom: i like elanine more than loni anderson.
s: what are you two talking about? look, elaine just wasn't the one.
mom: and this other one's the one?
s: i don't know. maybe.
dad: so ask elaine there for the number.
s: i can't. she'll get upset. i never talk about other women with her. especially this one tonight.
mom: how could you still see her if you're not interested?
s: we're friends.
dad: doesn't sound like you're friends. if you were friends, you'd ask her for the number. do you know where this one works?
s: oh, yeah.
dad: so go up to the office.
mom: up to her office?
dad: she goes out to lunch, doesn't she?
s: i guess.
dad: so you stand in the lobby by the elevator and wait for her to come down for lunch.
s: you mean stake out the lobby?
mom: morty, that's ridiculous. just ask elaine for the number.
dad: he doesn't want to ask elaine for the number.
mom: so you got him standing by the elevator like a dope. what happens when he sees her?
dad: he pretends he bumped into her.
s: you know what? this is not that bad an idea.

g: what does she look like?
s: i don't know. it's hard to say.
g: what actress does she remind you of?
s: loni anderson.
g: loni anderson?
s: what, there's something wrong with loni anderson? hey, listen, thanks again for running over here.
g: yeah, sure. i was showing a condo on 48th street. besides, you think i want to miss this?
s: i'm a little nervous.
g: yeah. me too.
s: if i see her, what do i say i'm doing in the building?
g: to see me. i work in the building.
s: what do you do?
g: i'm an architect.
s: you're an architect?
g: i'm not?
s: i don't see architecture coming from you.
g: i suppose you could be an architect.
s: i never said that i was the architect. just something else.
g: she's not even going to ask. if we see her, which is remote.
s: what do you want me to say, i just wandered in?
g: we're having lunch with a friend. he works here.
s: what is his name?
g: burt har...binson. burt harbinson.
s: burt harbison.
g: right.
s: it sounds made-up.
g: no good? all right. art...core.
s: art core.
g: velay.
s: corevelay?
g: yeah, right.
s: well, what does he do?
g: he's an importer.
s: just imports? no exports?
g: he's an importer-exporter, okay? did elaine ever call you back?
s: no. i guess she's still mad.
g: i don't understand. you never talk to her about other women?
s: never. wait a second. that's her.
g: on the right. i forgot who i am. who am i?
s: you're you. we're having lunch with art corevelay.
g: vandalay.
s: corevelay.
g: let me be the architect. i can do it. i can do it.
s: hey, hey... pamela's brithday party. didn't i see you there? jerry.
lawyer: sure. hi.
s: this is george. i'm sorry.
v: vanessa.
g: nice to meet you.
s: sagman, bennett, robbins, oppenheim and taff.
v: that's right. what are you doing here?
s: meeting a friend for lunch. works in the same building.
g: yeah, art vandalay.
v: oh, really? which company?
s: i don't know. he's an importer.
v: importer.
g: and exporter.
s: he's an importer-exporter.
g: i'm...i'm an architect.
v: really? well, what do you design?
g: railroads.
v: i thought engineers do that.
g: they can.
s: i'm sorry you had to leave so early the other night.
v: me too. my cousin had to go back to boston.
s: oh, that guy was your cousin.
v: yeah. and that woman was your--
s: friend.
g: i'll just get a paper.
s: so... do you date immature men?
v: almost exclusively.

mom: i have no letters.
s: ma, will you go already? what are you doing?
mom: i just want to see something.
s: you can't look in there. we're playing.
k: hi.
s: hi.
dad: good evening, mr. kramer.
k: hey, morty. salad dressing?
s: look.
mom: "quo." is that a word?
s: maybe.
mom: will you challenge it?
s: ma, you can't look up words in the dictionary. dad, she's cheating.
k: "quo"? that's not a word.
mom: you're such a stickler.
s: well, put something down. you're taking 20 minutes on this. so uncle mac and artie, the're all coming here before the wedding?
mom: they'll be here at 2:00. oh, elaine called. she said she'd be here at 2:30 and she says: "hope your meeting went well with art vandalay."
s: she said what?
mom: just what i said. here.
s: she knows. oh, i am such a jackass.
mom: she knows what?
s: she knows the whole stupid thing. vanessa and the elevator.
mom: no, no, that won't do. he may have a z.
dad: so how did she find out?
s: because vanessa probably told pamela, and pamela probably told elaine.
dad: so, what are you, afraid of her?
s: yes, yes, i am. what else did she say on the phone?
mom: whatever i wrote down.
s: yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? how did she sound?
mom: who am i, rich little?
dad: well, she can't be too mad. she's still coming to the wedding.
s: yeah, but now i'm nervous.
mom: oh, stop it.
s: "quone"?
mom: thirty, 31, 31--
s: "quone"? no, i'm afraid i'm gonna have to challenge that.
k: no, you don't have to challenge that. that's a word. that's a definite word.
s: i am challenging.
k: "quone." to "quone" something.
mom: i'm not playing with you anymore.
dad: "quone's" not a word.
s: no good. sorry. there it is. get it off.
mom: why did you make me put that down?
k: no. we need a medical dictionary. like a patient gets difficult, you quone him.

female relative: you want to some funny material? you ought to come down to where i work. there's a sitcom.
s: you must have quite a time down there.
female relative: we got plenty of time.
s: sorry. i'm just waiting for someone.
uncle: watch what you say to this guy. he'll put it in his next act.
s: yeah, yeah.
uncle: jerry, did i tell you that i'm writing a book, an autobiography?
s: yeah, you mentioned it.
uncle: it's based on all my experiences.
s: that's perfect. could you excuse me one second?
uncle: sure.
s: i'm sorry.
uncle: sure.
s: how do you do? jerry seinfeld.
e: oh, how do you do? elaine benes.
s: you want to do this now, or you wanna wait?
e: oh, no. let's do it now.
s: the whole elevator business, let me just explain.
e: okay.
relative: jerry, are you going with us?
s: no, i'm gonna take my car.
relative: that's why i brought the wagon. why the hell did i bring the wagon?
s: anyway, you know why i didn't ask you? i mean, i felt so uncomfortable, and you were so annoyed in the cab.
e: well, jerry, i never saw you flirt with anyone before. it was quite the spectacle.
mom: jerry, we'll see you there. bye, elaine.
e: oh, bye. good to see you.
relative: oh, we didn't meet.
s: sorry. elaine, this is my cousin, artie levine.
relative: levine.
relative's wife: artie! come on.
s: yeah, levine. and i'm jerry cougar mellencamp. anyway, i admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but i mean, obviously we have a little problem here.
e: yeah, obviously.
s: if we're gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about other people.
e: couldn't agree more.
s: good.
e: good.
s: good.
e: great.
s: great? where do you get great?
e: it's great to talk about...other people.
s: guys.
e: yeah.
s: yeah. well, anybody specific?
e: no. a general guy.
s: oh, really? elaine marie benes.
e: what? no, it's not a big deal.
s: no, that's great. that's terrific.
e: no, we just met.
s: doesn't matter. what's young man's name? i would like to meet him.
e: i don't think so.
s: well, what does he do? is he an artisan, a craftsman, a laborer of some sort?
e: wall street.
s: high finance. bulls, bears, people from connecticut.
e: and he happens to be pretty good-looking.
s: all right, sir.
e: and he's hilarious.
s: now that's not fair.
e: you know.
s: so where did you meet this guy?
e: i staked out his health club.
s: when you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand up against the wall, or kind of crouch down behind a big plant?

you know, i think that even if you've had a relationship with someone. or, let's say, expecially if you've had a relationship with someone. and you try and become friends afterwards. it's very difficult. isn't this? it's hard because you know each other so well. you know? you know all each other's tricks. it's like two magicians trying to entertain each other. you know, one goes, "look, a rabbit." the other goes, "so?" "i believe that's your card." "look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a night, okay?"

seinfeld: male-unbonding

most men like working on things. tools, objects, fixing things. this is what men enjoy doing. ever noticed if a guy's in his driveway working on something with tools. how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity? they just come wandering out of the house like zombies. men- it's true. men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. they go running up to the living-room curtain. "honey, i think jim's working on something over there." so they run over to the guy. they don't actually help the guy. no. they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. that's what men want to do. we want to watch the guy. we want to talk to him. we want to ask him dumb questions. you know. "what are you using, a phillips head?" you know, we feel involved. that's why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it. that's just to keep the men out. they cut those little holes for us, so we can see what the hell is going on. but if they don't cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. right over there. "what are you using, the steel girders down here?" yeah, that'll hold.

g: i had to say something. had to say something. everything was going so well. i had to say something.
s: i don't think you did anything wrong.
g: i told her i liked her. why? why did i tell her i like her? i have this sick compulsion to tell women how i feel. i like you. i don't tell you.
s: we can only thank god for that.
g: i'm out of the picture. i am out of the picture. matter of time now.
s: you're imagining this. really.
g: oh, no. no. no. i'll tell you when it happened too. it's when that floss came flying out of my pocket.
s: what floss? when?
g: in the lobby, during the intermission of the play. i was buying her one of those containers of orange drink. for $5. i reach into my pocket to pay for it. i look down. there's this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers.
s: mint.
g: of course. so i'm looking at it. i look up and see she's looking at it. our eyes lock. it was a horrible moment. i just...
s: so let me get this straight. she saw the floss. you panicked, and you told her you liked her.
g: if i didn't put floss in my pocket, i'd be crawling around her bedroom right now, looking for my glasses.
s: yo sure the floss was the catalyst?
g: yes, i am.
s: you don't think it might have had anything to do with that?
g: what, you don't like this?
s: looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

k: they got a cure for cancer. see, it's all big business. oh, hey! jerry just walked in. hi, george! yeah, yeah, yeah. take my number. it's 555-8643. okay. here he is.
s: who is it?
k: take it.
s: who is it?
k: it's for you.
s: hello? oh, hi, joel. no. i was out of town. i just got back. kramer doesn't know anything. he's just my next-door neighbor. nothin much. tuesday? tuesday, no. i'm meeting somebody. wednesday? wednesday's okay. all right. i'm a little busy right now. can we talk wednesday morning? okay. yeah. right. thanks. bye. why do you put me on the phone with him? i hate just being handed a phone.
k: well, it's your phone. he wanted to talk to you.
s: maybe i didn't want to talk to him.
k: well, why not?
s: he bothers me. i don't answer the phone anymore becausej of him. he's turned me into a screener. now i gotta see him on wednesday.
g: what? i thought we had tickets to the knick game wednesday. we got seats behind the bench. what happened? we're not going?
s: we're going. that's next wednesday.
g: who is this guy?
s: his name's joel horneck. he lived, like, three houses down from me when i grew up. he had a ping-pong table. we were friends. should i suffer the rest of my life because i like to play ping-pong? i was 10! i would've been friends with stalin if he had a ping-pong table. he's so self-involved.
k: that's for me. kramerica industries. hi, mark. no, no. forget that. i got a better idea. a pizza place where you make your own pie.
s: can you conduct your business elsewhere?
k: no, i'm talking about a whole chain. yeah.
g: i don't know why you bother with this ping-pong guy, i tell you.
s: i don't bother with him. he's been calling me for seven years. i never called him once. he's got the attention span of a 5-year-old. sometimes i sit there, and i make up things just to see if he's paying attention.
g: i don't understand why you spend time with this guy.
s: what can i do, break up with him? tell him, "i don't think we're right for each other." it's a guy. at least with a women there's a precedent. the relationship goes sour. you end it.
g: no, no, no. you have to approach this as if he was a woman.
s: just break up with him?
g: absolutely. you just tell him the truth.
s: the truth?

no. as a guy, i don't know how i can break up with another guy. you know? i don't know how to say: "bill, i feel i need to see other man." know what i mean? there is nothing i can do. i have to wait for someone to die. i think that's the only way out of this relationship. it could be a long time. see the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. that's almost all we need to have in common. because sports and women is really all we talk about. if there was no sports and no women, the only thing guys would say is: "so, what's in the refrigerator?"

j: so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. i mean, this guy is a brilliant man. lenny bruce used to go to him, and i think, geraldo.
s: i read the lenny bruce biography. i thought it was...
j: hey, hey, hey! we're starving here!
s: interresting...
j: we've been waiting here 10 minutes.
s: that he would... so i'm thinking about going to iran this summer.
j: you know, i have to eat. i mean, i'm hypoglycemic.
s: anyway, the hezbollah has invited me to perform. it's their annual terrorist luncheon.
j: yeah.
s: i'm gonna do it in farsi.
j: do you think i need a haircut?
waitress: are you ready?
s: yeah, i'll have the egg salad on whole wheat.
j: hey, let me ask you a question. this turkey sandwich here, is that real turkey or is it a turkey roll? i don't want that processed turkey. i hate it.
waitress: i think it's real turkey.
j: is there a real bird in the back?
waitress: no, there's no bird, but...
j: how do you know for sure? why don't you do me a favor. why don't you go in the back and find out, okay? unbelievable.
s: how can yu talk to someone like that?
j: look, what are you saying? what, you like turkey roll?
s: listen, joel. there's something i have to tell you.
j: wait. you'll never guess who i ran into. howard metro.
s: howard metro.
j: he asked me if i still saw you. i said, "sure, i see him all the time. we're still great friends." anyway, howard says hello.
s: listen, joel. i don't think we should see each other anymore.
j: what?
s: this friendship, it's not working.
j: not working? what are you talking about?
s: we're just not suited to be friends.
j: but how can you say that?
s: look, you're a nice guy. it's just that we don't have anything in common.
j: wait. what did i do? tell me what- i want to know what i did.
s: you didn't do anything. it's not you. it's me. it's- this is very difficult.
j: look, i know i call you too much. right? i mean, i know. you're a very busy guy.
s: no, it's not that.
j: you're one of the few people i can talk to.
s: look, come on. now, that's not ture.
j: i always tell everybody about you. i tell everybody to go see his show! i mean, i'm your biggest fan.
s: i know, i know.
j: i mean, you're my best friend.
s: best friend? i've never been to your apartment.
j: i cannot believe that this is happening! i can't believe it.
s: okay, okay, forget it. it's okay. i didn't mean it.
j: didn't mean what?
s: what i said. i've been under a lot of stress.
j: oh, you've been under a lot of stress.
s: look, just- can we just forget the whole thing ever happened? i'm sorry. i didn't mean it. i took it out on you. we're still friends. we're still friends. still friends. okay, look. i tell you what. i got knick tickets. this wednesday. great seats behind the bench. you want to come with me? come on.
j: tonight?
s: no, next wednesday. if it was tonight, i would've said tonight.
j: you really want me to go?
s: yes.
j: okay.
s: here, take these.
j: okay. great. that would be- that'd be great. so... next wednesday.
s: next wednesday.
j: say, where is that waitress? hey!

g: she calls me up at the office. she says, "we have to talk."
s: the four worst words in the english language.
g: that or, "whose bra is this?"
s: that is worse.
g: so we order lunch, and we're talking. finally, she blurts out how it's not working.
s: really.
g: so, i'm thinking, as she's saying this, i'm thinking, "great. the relationship's over, but the egg salas's on the way." so now i have a decision. do i walk or do i eat?
s: you ate.
g: sat there for 20 minutes, chewing. staring at each other in a defunct relationship.
s: someone says, "get out of my life." and that doesn't affect your appetite?
g: have you ever had their egg salad?
s: it is unbelievable.
g: it's unbelievable. tell you what else is unbelievable. i picked up the check. she didn't even offer. she ended it. the least she could do is send me off with a sandwich.
s: how much could you possibly have in there?
g: look, it's my money. all right? what should i do, throw it out the windowd? i know a guy who took his vacation on his change.
s: yeah? where'd he go? to an arcade?
g: that's funny. you're a funny guy.
s: come on, move up.
customer: great. ewing's hurt.
g: how long is he gonna be out?
customer: well, a couple days at the most, but...
s: oh, god.
g: i got scared there for a second. the knicks without ewing.
s: listen, george. a little problem with the game.
g: what about it?
s: the thing is, yesterday...i kind of...
g: what?
s: i gave your ticket to horneck.
g: you what?
s: yeah. i'm sorry. i had to give it to horneck.
g: no. my ticket? you gave my ticket to horneck?
s: come on. go ahead. move up.
g: what did you give hime my ticket for?
s: you didn't see him. it was horrible.
g: oh, come on, jerry. i can't believe this!
s: i had to do it.
g: oh, please. can you change this into bills?
teller: i'm sorry, sir, we can't do that.
s: do you want to go with him? you go, i don't mind.
g: i'm not going with him! i don't even know the guy! look, they did this for me before.
teller: look, i can give you these, and you can roll them yourself.
g: you want me to roll 6000 of these? what, should i quit my job?

no, i do not like the bank. i've heard the expression: "laughing all the way to the bank." i've never seen anyone actually do it. and those bank lines. i hate it when there's nobody on the line at all. you now that part? you go to the bank, it's empty, and you still have to go through the little maze. "could you get some cheese for me? i'm almost at the front. i'd like a reward for this, please."

g: thirty-two, 33--
s: george.
g: not now, 33... thirty...
s: could you stop the counting?
g: what?
s: can i make it up to you? i'll give you $50 for the jug.
g: oh, yeah, sure. keep your money.
s: well, then i'm not gonna go to the game either. okay, i'll give him both tickets.
g: go. go!
s: no, i don't want to go.
g: he was really crying?
s: i had to give him a tissue. in fact, let me call his machine now, and i'll make up some excuse why i can't go to the game either.
g: wait. wait a minute. as long as you're gonna lie to the guy, why don't you tell him that you lost both of the tickets. then we can go.
s: george, the man wept.
k: hey, guys. man, i'm telling you, this pizza idea is really gonna happen.
g: this is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza?
k: we give you the dough. you smash it. you pound it. you fling it up in the air. and then you get to put your sauce and sprinkle you cheese. and then, you slide it into the oven.
g: you have to know how to do that. you can't have people shoving their arms into a 600-degree oven!
k: it's all supervised.
g: oh, well...
k: all of it! you want to invest?
g: my money's tied up in change.
k: you know, look. i'm telling you. people, they really want to make their own pizza pie.
s: i have to say something, with all due respect. i just never-- i can't imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie. but that's me.
k: well, okay. that's you.
s: i'm just saying.
k: i just wanted to check with you guys. this business is going to be big. i just want to-- okay. one day, you'll beg me to make your own pie.
s: hi, joel. this is jerry. i hope you get this before you-- oh, hi, joel. you just came in. listen, i can't make it to the game tonight. i have to tutor my nephew. yeah, he's got an exam tomorrow. geometry. you know, trapezoid, rhombus. anyway, listen, you take the tickets. they're at the? yeah. yeah. i don't-- fine. fine, bye.
g: "trapezoid"?
s: i know. i'm really running out of excuses with this guy. i need some kind of excuse rolodex.

e: come on. let's go do something i don't want to just sit around here. wanna get something to eat?
s: where?
e: i don't care. i'm not hungry.
s: we could go to one of those cappuccino places. they let you just sit there.
e: what are we gonna do there, talk?
s: we can talk.
e: i'll go if i don't have to talk.
s: then we'll just sit there.
e: okay, i'm gonna check my machine first. "picking someone up at airport, jury duty...waiting for cable company."
s: okay, just hand that over, please.
e: what is this?
s: it's a list of excuses. it's for that guy horneck, who's at the game tonight with my tickets. i have that list now, so in case he calls, i just consult it, and i don't have to see him.
e: god.
s: i need it. what are you doing?
e: i got some for you.
s: oh, i don't need anymore.
e: no, no, no. these are good. listen, listen. "you ran out of underwear, you can't leave the house."
s: very funny. how about you've been diagnosed as a multiple personality? you're not even you. you're dan.
s: i'm dan. can i have my list back, please?
e: here. here. jerry seinfeld, i cannot believe you are doing this. this is absolutely infantile.
s: what can i do?
e: deal with it. be a man.
s: oh, no. that's impossible. i'd rather lie to him the rest of my life than go through that again. he was crying. tears, accompanied by mucus.
e: you made a man cry? i never made a man cry. i even kicked a guy in the groin once, and he didn't cry. i got the cab.
s: a couple of tough monkeys.
k: hi, elaine. hey, you missed a great game tonight.
s: game?
k: knick game. horneck took me. we're sitting two rows behind the bench. we were getting hit by sweat!
s: wait. how does horneck know you?
k: last week, when i, you know, gave you the phone. he's really into my pizza place idea.
s: this is too much.
e: wait. what pizza place idea?
s: oh, no.
k: you get to make your own pie.
e: that sounds like a great idea. it would be fun.
j: kramer!
k: yeah!
s: perfect.
j: hey!
k: okay, who wants meat loaf?
s: no, thanks.
k: it's gonna be hot in a minute.
j: so i thought you were tutoring your nephew.
s: we finished early.
j: i'll bet. so are you going to introduce me to your nephew?
s: elaine benes, this is joel horneck.
j: whoa, nelson. this is elaine. i thought you guys split up.
s: we're still friends.
j: so. thanks again for those tickets, but next week, i'm gonna take you. how about next tuesday night? why don't you come along.
e: oh, no, no. tuesday's no good because we've got choir practice.
s: right. forgot about choir.
e: yeah. we're--we're doing that evening of eastern european natinal anthemes.
s: right. you know...the wall being down and everything.
j: well, what about thursday night? i mean, they're playing the sonics.
e: thurday is not good because we've gotta get to the hospital to see if we qualigy as those organ donors.
j: i should really try something like that.
s: you really should.
j: well, let's just take a look here. forty-one home games. let's ee, saturday night we got the mavericks. if you don't like the mavericks, next tuesday, lakers. i mean, you gotta like magic, right? now, let's see. on the road, on the road, on the road...back on the 14th. they play the bulls. you can't miss air jordan...

i've come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in your life that they're just always your friends, and you have to accept it. you see them. you don't want to see them. you don't cal them. they call you. you don't call back, they call again. the way to get through talking with people...you have nothing in common with is...is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. this is what i do. pretend there's a little desk around you. there's a little chair over there, and you interview them. the only problem is, there's no way to say: "hey, it's been great having you on the show. we're out of time."

the seinfeld chronicles

do you know what this is all about? know why we're here? to be out. this is out. out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. know how people talk about "we should go out"? this is what they're talking about. this whole thing. we're all out now. no one is home. not one person here is home. we're all out. there are people trying to find us. they don't know where we are. "did you re-? i can't find him. where did he go? he didn't tell me where he was going. he must have gone out." you wanna go out. you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? you take the shower, get all ready... get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation. then you stand around, what do you do? you go, "we gotta be getting back." once you're out, you wanna get back. you wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, wanna go out again tomorrow. wherever you are in life... it's my feeling, you've gotta go.

s: see, to me, that button's in the worst possible spot. the second button literally makes or breaks the shirt. look at it. it's too high. it's in no man's land. you look like you live with your mother.
g: are you through?
s: you do, of course, try on when you buy.
g: yes, it was purple. i like it. i don't actually recall considering the buttons.
s: oh, you don't recall.
g: no, not at this time.
s: senator, i'd like to know what ou knew and when you kniew it.
claire: mr. seinfeld, mr. costanza.
g: are you sure this is decaf? where's the orange indicator?
claire: it's missing. i have to do it my head. decaf left, regular right. decaf left, regualr right. it's very challenging work.
s: can you relax? it's a cup of coffee. claire's a professional waitress.
claire: trust me, george. no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.
g: how come you're not doing the second show tomorrow?
s: well, there's this woman who might be coming in.
g: wait a second. wait a second. what coming in? what woman's coming in?
s: i told you about laura, the girl i met in michigan.
g: you didn't.
s: i thought i told you about her. yeah. she teaches political science... i met her the night i did the show in lansing. there's no milk in here.
g: wait. what is she- what is she like?
s: oh, she's really great. she's got a real warmth about her. and she's really bright and really pretty. and the conversation, though, i mean, it was... talking with her was like talking with you... but, you know, abviously much better.
g: so, you know, what happened?
s: well, nothing happened. but it was great.
g: nothing happened, but it was-- this is great.
s: yeah.
g: so you know. she called and said she wants to go out? god bless. you devil, you.
s: yeah. well, not exactly. i mean, she said-- she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar, maybe we'd get together.
g: "had to"? "had to come in"?
s: yeah, but--
g: "had to come in"?
s: yeah, but--
g: "and maybe we'll get together"? "had to" and "maybe"?
s: yeah.
g: no, no. i hate to tell you this. you're not gonna see her.
s: what? are you serious? why did she call?
g: what do i know? maybe she wanted to be polite.
s: to be polite? you are insane.
g: all right. i didn't want to tell you. wanna know why she called?
s: yes.
g: you're a backup. you're a second line, a "just in case"... a b plan, a contingency.
s: oh, i get it. this is about the button.
g: claire. claire, you're a woman, right?
claire: what gave it away, george?
g: i'd like to ask you-- ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, you know... from a female point of view.
s: oh, come on. what are you asking her? now, how's she gonna know?
g: now, a woman calls me, right? she says she has to... come to new york on business.
s: you are beautiful.
g: and maybe... she'll see me when she gets in. does this woman intend to spend time with me?
claire: i'd have to say no.
g: so why did she call?
claire: be polite.
g: to be polite. i rest my case.
s: good, good. did you have fun? you have no idea what you're talking about. come with me. i gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer.
g: i'm not gonna watch you do laundry.
s: oh, come on, be a "come-with" guy.
s: come on. i'm tired.
claire: don't worry. i gave him a little caffeine. he'll perk up.
g: right. i knew i felt something.

g: jerry, i have to tell you something. this is the dullest moment i've ever experienced.
s: oh, look at this guy. look, he's got everything. he's got degergents, sprays... faric softener. this is not his first load.
g: i need a break, jerry. i gotta get out the city. i feel so cramped.
s: you didn't hear how she sounded.
g: what?
s: laura.
g: i can't believe-- we already discussed this.
s: yeah, but how could you be so sure?
g: because it's signals, jerry. it's signals. don't you--? all right. did she even ask you what you were doing tomorrow night... if you were busy?
s: no.
g: she calls you today, she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? what is that? it's saturday night.
s: yeah.
g: what is that? it's ridiculous. you don't even know what hotel she's staying at. you can't call her. that's signal, jerry. that's signal. signal.
s: maybe you're right.
g: maybe i'm right? of course i'm right.
s: this is insane. you know, i don't even know where she's staying. she's not gonna call me. this is unbelievable.
g: i know, i know. it's tough. listen, your stuff has to be done by now. why don't you just see if it's dry.
s: no, no, no. don't interrupt the cycle. the machine is working. it knows what it's doing. just let it finish.
g: you're gonna overdry it.
s: you can't overdry.
g: why not?
s: same reason you can't overwet. you see, once something is wet, it's wet. same thing with death. like, once you die, you're dead, right? let's say you drop dead and i shoot you. you're not gonna die again. you're already dead. you can't overdie, yo can't overdry.
g: any questions?
s: how could she not tell me where she was staying?
g: look at that. they're done. look at that.

laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. it is. no, think about it. the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. you know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening. they're all kind of dancing around in there. a shirt grabs the underwear, "come on, babe. let's go." you come by, open up the lid and they all... socks are the most amazing article of clothing. they hate their lives. they're with stinky feet, the boring drawers. the dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. they do escape from the dryer, they plan it in the hamper the night before. "tomorrow, the dryer, i'm going. you wait here." the dryer door swings open, the sock is waiting up against the side wall. he hopes you don't see him, then he goes down the road. they get buttons sewn on their face, join a puppet show. so they're showing me on television. the detergents getting out bloodstains. is this a violent image to anybody? bolldstains? come on. you got a t-shirt with bloodstains all over it. maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. maybe you ought to get the harpoon out of your chest first.

s: if you know what happened in the met game, don't tell me. i taped it. hello. yeah. no, i'm sorry. you have the wrong number. yeah. no-- yeah.
k: you up?
s: yeah. people do move. have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? yeah, no problem.
k: boy, the mets blew it tonight, huh?
s: oh, what are you doing? kessler, it's a tape. i taped the game. it's 1:00 in the morning. i avoided human contact all night to watch this.
k: hey, i'm sorry. you know, i thought you knew. you got any meat?
s: meat? i don't know. go hunt. well, what happened in the game, anyway?
k: what happened? well, they stunk! that's what happened. you know i almost wound up going to that game?
s: you almost went to the game. you haven't left the building in 10 years.
k: yeah. you done with this?
s: no.
k: when you're done, let me know.
s: yeah, yeah. you can have it tomorrow.
k: i thought i wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend.
s: no, it's okay now. that girl's not coming. i misread the whole thing.
k: you want me to talk to her?
s: i don't think so.
k: no, i can be very persuasive. you know that i was almost a lawyer?
s: that close, huh?
k: you better believe it.
s: hello. oh, hi, laura.
k: oh, give me it. let me talk.
s: no. what's up?
k: well, let me talk to her.
s: i'm always up at this hour. how are you? great. sure. what time does the plane get in? i'll get my friend george to take me.
k: now slide! out. do you believe that?
s: it's just my neighbor. yeah, i got it. 10:15. no, don't be silly. go ahead and ask. yeah, sure. okay, great. no, no. it's no trouble at all. i'll see you tomorrow. great. bye. i don't believe it. that was her. she wants to stay here.

s: if my father moved this, he'd have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. "have you got your end? your end's got to come down first. easy now. drop it down. drop it down. your end's gotta come down."
g: you know, i can't believe you're bringing in an extra bed for a woman that wants to sleep with you. why don't you bring in an extra guy too.
s: look, it's a very awkward situation. i don't wanna be presumptuous.
g: all right. one more time. one more time. what was the exact phrasing of the request?
s: all right. she said she couldn't find a decent hotel room.
g: a decent hotel room.
s: yeah, a decent hotel room. would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place?
g: you can't be serious. this is new york city. there must be 11 million decent hotel rooms. what do you need, a flag? this is the signal, jerry. this is the signal.
s: this is the signal. thank you, mr. signal. where were you yesterday?
g: i think i was affected by the caffeine. good dog. good dog. all right.
k: hey, he really likes you, george.
g: well, that's flattering.
k: he's getting a drink of water. is this for that girl?
s: yeah.
k: why even give her an option?
s: this is a person i like. it's not how to score on spring break.
g: can we go? i'm double-parked. i'm gonna get a ticket.
s: yeah, okay. wait a second. i forgot to clean the bathroom.
g: so what? that's good.
s: how could that be good?
g: because filth is good. what do you think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lying around the bathroom? you think they have a woman coming over, "i gotta tidy up"? in these matters, you never do what instincts tell you. always, always do the opposite.
s: this is how you operate?
g: yeah, i wish.
s: let me just wipe the sink.
k: why even give her an option for? it's unbelievable.
g: yeah.
k: how's the real estate business?
g: it's not bad. it's coming along. why, did you need something?
k: you handle any of that commercial real estate that...?
g: well, i might be getting into that.
k: you keep me posted.
g: i'm aware of you. all right, let's go. let's go. you're on-state in 25 minutes.

the dating world is not a fun world. it's a pressure world. it's a world of tension, it's a world of pain. if a woman comes over to my house, i gotta get that bathroom ready because she needs things. i don't know what. i know i don't have it. i know that. you know what they need? woman need cotton balls. this is one - always been one of the most amazing things to me. i have no cotton balls. we're all human beings. what is the story? i've never had one. i never bought one, i never needed one. i've never been in a situation where i thought to myself: "i could use a cotton ball right now. i could certainly get out of this mess." women need them. and they don't need one or two. they need thousands of them. they need bags. they're like peat moss bags. have you ever seen these giant bags? they're huge. and two days later, they're out. they're gone. the bag is empty. where are the cotton balls, ladies? what are you doing with them? the only time i ever see them is in the bottom of wastebaskets. two or three look like they're been through some horrible experience. tortured, interrogated, i don't know what happened to them. i once went out with a girl, she left a little bag of cotton balls at my house. i didn't know what to do. i put them on the floor like little tumbleweeds. i thought cockroaches would see it. figure, "tis is a dead town. let's move on." the dating world is a world of pressure. let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night. the difference between a date and job interview is not many interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end. you know, "bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position. why don't you strip down and meet the people you'll be working with."

s: wouldn't be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking?
g: what a world it would be if you could just ask a woman what she's thinking.
s: you know. instead i'm like a detective. i gotta pick up clues. the whole thing's a murder investigation.
g: listen, don't get worked up. you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off.
s: really, how?
g: it's all in the greeting. all right. if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. anything in the lip area is good.
s: lip area.
g: a hug, definitely good.
s: hug is definitely good. what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders touch. the hips are eight feet apart?
g: brutal.
s: you know how they do that?
g: also, a shake is bad.
s: shake is bad. but what if it's the two-hander? hand on bottom, hand on top. the warm look in the eyes.
g: hand sandwich?
s: right.
g: it's open to interpretation. so much depends on the layering, the quality of the wetness in the eyes.
laura: guess who.
together: hey, hey.
s: it's good to see you. this is my friend george.
g: how are you?
s: this is laura.
g: sure, laura, sure.
s: i can't believe you're here. get the bags.
g: yeah, sure, the bags. here, laura. i'm sorry.
l: oh, thank you.
s: that was an interesting greeting. nitice that, george?
g: yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. that wasn't in the manual.

s: so what do you think?
l: this place isn't so bad.
s: yeah, it kind of motivates me to work on the road. so make yourself at home. so can i get you anything? bread, water, salad dressing?
l: actually, do you have any wine?
s: yeah, i think i do.
l: do you mind if i turn this down?
s: no. yeah, go, go right ahead. yeah.
l: jerry, i was wondering. would it be possible, and if it's not, fine for me to stay here tomorrow night too?
s: yeah. yeah, sure. yeah, why don't you stay. yeah. what is your schedule for tomorrow? are you doing anything?
l: no, i'd love to do something. i have my seminar in the morning, but after i'm wide open.
s: really? what would you like to do?
l: well, i know this sounds touristy, but i'd love to go on one of those five-hour boat rides around manhattan.
s: yeah, we could do that. why not? why not? i'm just- i'm really glad you're here. hello. yes. yes, she is. hold on. it's for you.
l: hello? hi. no, no. it was great, right on time. no, i'm gonna stay here tomorrow. yes. yes, it's fine. no, we're going on a boat ride. don't be silly. i'm not gonna have this conversation. look, i'll call you tomorrow. okay. bye. never get engaged.
s: you're engaged?
l: you know, you really have no idea what it's like until you do it. i'm on this emotinal roller coaster.
s: you're engaged?
l: you know, i can't believe it myself sometimes. you have to start thinking in terms of "we." it's a very stressful situation.
s: you're engaged.
l: yeah, he's a great guy.
s: yeah.
l: you'd really like him. i can't wait to get on that boat.
s: me too.

i sear, i have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. i don't get it, okay? i admit, i'm not getting the signals. i am not getting it. women, they're so subtle. their little- everything they do is subtle. men are not subtle. we are obvious. women know what men want, men know what men want. what do we want? we want women. that's it. it's only thing we know for sure. it really is. we want women. how do we get them? we don't know about that. we don't know. the next step after that, we have no idea. this is why you see men honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. these are the best ideas we've had so far. the car horn honk. is that the beauty? have you seen men doing this? what is this? the man is in the car. the woman walks by the front of the car. he honks the- this man is out of ideas. how does the-? i dont think she likes me. the amazing thing is that we still get women, don't we? i mean, men are with women. you see men with women. how are men getting women? many people wonder. let me tell you a little bit about our organization. wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. now, he may not be our best man. okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. that's why men get frustrated when we see women reading articles like "where to meet man." we're here. we are everywhere. we're honking our horns to serve you better.