seinfeld: the revenge

levitan: remind me to tell you what we did in lake george. [laughing] get this... i got it all on video. [laughing]
g: that's it. this is it. i'm done. through. it's over. i'm gone. finished. over. i will never work for you again. look at you. [laughing] you think you're an important man? is that what you think? you are a laughingstock. you are a joke. these people are laughing at you. you're nothing! you have no brains, no ability, nothing! [knocking object over on desk] i quit!

k: hey.
j: hey.
k: boy, i have really had it with newman. he wakes me up again last night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the roof to kill himself.
j: well, what'd you say?
k: i said "jump." well, he's been threatening to do this for years. i said "look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me." at least i'd respect the guy for accomplishing something.
j: what's his problem?
k: no job. no women.
j: he called the right guy.
k: what am i supposed to tell him? how much there is for him to live for? why should i lie to him?
j: all right, i'm leaving. i going to the laundry.
k: why don't you use the machines down in the basement?
j: fluff and fold. the only way to live. [snapping fingers in tune with words] i drop it off. i pick it up. it's a delight.
k: how about if i put a few things --
j: wait a sec. i don't wanna do --
k: well, you're going over there.
j: i don't wanna mix in everything! my guys don't know your guys. you can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. they'll start a riot.
k: have you ever met my guys?
j: no. i can't say as i have.
k: well!
j: all right. put 'em on top.
k: ah!

j: oh, beautiful. this stuff on top is my friends'. culd i get it done in a separate machine?
vic: i'll have to charge you for another machine.
j: whatever it costs. in fact, i would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other. because something could, you know, jump across.
g: guess what.
j: how did you know i was here?
g: kramer. guess what.
j: i don't know.
g: i quit my job.
j: get outta here.
g: i couldn't take it anymore.
vic: you can have this on monday.
j: what happened? levitan?
g: i go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then i get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall. well, [laughing] we share it with pace electronics. it's disgusting!
j: you and your toilets.
g: i snapped! it was the last straw. [sighs]
j: so, what are you gonna do now? are you gonna look for something else in real estate?
g: nobody's hiring now. the market's terrible.
j: so what are you gonna do?
g: i like sports. i could do something in sports.
j: uh-huh. uh-huh. in what capacity?
g: you know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
j: yeah. well, that - that could be tough to get.
g: well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. maybe i could be like, an announcer. like a caller man. you know how i always make those interesting comments during the game.
j: yeah. yeah. you make good comments.
g: what about that?
j: well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
g: well, that's really not fair.
j: i know. well, okay. okay. what else do ya like?
g: movies. i like to watch movies.
j: yeah. yeah.
g: do they pay people to watch movies?
j: projectionists.
g: that's true.
j: but you gotta know how to work the projector.
g: right.
j: and it's probably a union thing.
g: [scoffs] those unions. [sighs] okay. sports,...movies. what about a talk show host?
j: talk show host. that's good.
g: i think i'd be good at that. i talk to people all the time. someone even told me once they thought i'd be a good talk show host.
j: really?
g: yeah. a couple of people. i don't get that, though. where do you start?
j: well, that's where it gets tricky.
g: you can't just walk into a building and say "i wanna be a talk show host."
j: i wouldn't think so.
g: it's all politics.
j: all right. okay. sports, movies, talk show host. what else?
g: this could have been a huge mistake.
j: well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.
g: [sighs] what should i do?
j: maybe you can just go back.
g: go back?
j: yeah. pretend like it never happened.
g: you mean just walk into the staff meeting on monday morning like it never happened?
j: sure. you're an emotional person. people don't take you seriously.
g: just..go back. pretend the whole thing never happened.
j: never happened.
g: i was just blowin' off a little steam. so what?
j: so what? you're entitled.
g: i'm emotional.
j: that's right. you're emotional.
g: never happened.
j: never happened.

g: how ya doin'?
glenda: what are you doing here?
g: what? i work here.
glenda: i thought you quit.
g: what quit? [laughing] who quit?
dan: bill, how was your weekend?
bill: oh, excellent weekend. what about your weekend?
dan: fine weekend.
g: yeah. good weekend.
dan: went up to the cape. took the kids sailing. [laughing] lisa was a little scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor someday.
g: aw, she's gonna be a fine sailor.
levitan: ava, what happened to you friday afternoon?
ava: i got a little tied up.
levitan: i'll bet you did.
[laughter breaks out in boardroom]
levitan: i wanna remind everyone that the tenth anniversary party for rick barr properties is gonna be wednesday afternoon at four o'clock in lasky's bar, madison 48th. i want all of you to be there. this really means a lot to me. is that costanza over there? what are you doing here?
g: what?
levitan: am i crazy, or didn't you quit?
g: when?
levitan: friday.
g: oh, what? what? that? are you kidding? i didn't quit. what? you took that seriously?
levitan: you mean, laughingstock? all that stuff?
g: come on. will you stop it.
levitan: no brains? no ability?
g: teasing.
levitan: okay. i want you outta here.
g: i don't know where you're getting this from. i....you're serious, aren't you? oh, [laughing] you see?
levitan: you can't win. you can't beat me. that's why i'm here and you're there. because i'm a winner. i'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser.

g: "i'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser." this is what he said to me.
j: well, so that's that.
g: no. that's not that.
j: that's not that?
g: no.
j: well, if that's not that, what is that?
g: i've got some plans. i got plans.
j: what kind of plans?
g: what's the difference?
j: you don't wanna tell me?
g: i'm gonna slip him a mickey.
j: what? in his drink? are you outta your mind? what? are you peter lorre?
g: you don't understand. he's got this big party coming up. he's been looking forward to this for months. this is gonna destroy the whole thing.
j: what if you destroy him?
g: no. no. no. no. no. don't worry. it's perfectly safe. i researched it. he'll get a little woozy. he might keel over.
j: well, wha - what does that do? big deal.
g: this is what they would do in the movies! it's a beautiful thing! it's like a movie! i'm gonna slip him a mickey!
j: you've really gone mental.
g: nah.
j: where are you gonna get this mickey? i can't believe i'm saying "mickey"!
g: i got a sauce.
j: you got a mickey sauce?
g: and elaine is gonna keep him busy.
j: elaine? how did you rope her into this?
g: i told her what a sexist he is. how he cheats on his wife.
j: she knew that.
g: but she didn't know he doesn't recycle.
j: what is the point of all this?
g: revenge.
j: oh, the best revenge is living well.
g: there's no chance of that.

j: did you get your laundry?
k: yeah.
j: what's with you?
k: he jumped.
j: what?
k: yeah. newman jumped.
j: did he call you last night?
k: oh, yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah.
j: what did you say?
k: i said "wave to me when you pass my window."
j: whew. did he wave?
k: no! he jumped from the second floor. mr. papanickolous saw him from across the street. he's lying out there faking. see, he's trying to get back at me.
j: oh, my god!
k: what's the matter?
j: well, on thursday when i came home i had $1500 on me. for some reason i decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then i completely forgot about it...and then i took the laundry in on friday! oh, come on, let's go.
k: where? where?
j: to the laundromat.
vic: i never saw it.
k: okay. come on. give the guy his money. what -- what are you doing?
vic: hey, you see that sign right there?
j: oh, i see. so, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want?
vic: i'm not responsible.
j: so, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? you have a license to steal? you are like the james bond of laundry?
vic: you ever hear of a bank?
j: come on. let's go.
k: no. you can't let him get away with this.

e: which one is he?
g: that's him over there. the one that looks like a blowfish.
e: oh, yeah. i see him.
g: yeah. hey, thanks for doing this.
e: why pass up the opportunity to go to prison?
g: this is by far the most exciting thing i've ever done.
e: yeah. it is kind of cool.
g: first time in my life i've ever gotten back at someone.
e: i can't believe we're doing this. this is the kind of thing they do in the movies.
g: that's exactly what i told jerry!
e: really?
g: yes!
[both laughing]
g: god, i've never felt so alive!

j: maybe we should call this off.
k: come on. what's the big deal? just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine.
j: and what's gonna happen?
k: well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it'll be a solid block!
j: if only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. you're like lex luthor.
k: you keep him busy.
[kramer, holding heavy bag of concrete in arms, stumbles to machine, knocking chairs around]
[kramer plops concrete down onto washing machine]
k: whoa!
[lifting bag into the air, kramer, thrown off balance, stumbles backwards and slams into dryer]

g: you go over there -
e: yeah.
g: you start flirting with him and i'll come by and, while you're keeping him busy, i'll slip it in his drink.
e: wouldn't it be easier just to punch him in the mouth?
levitan: come on! they're terrible. they got no infield.
e: oops! scuse me.
levitan: yeah.
greeny: i'm gonna get some food. you want some?
levitan: nah.
e: hi.
levitan: hi.
e: [sneezes]
levitan: god bless you.
e: oh! thank you. thank you very much. [blowing nose] really. i mean that. i am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's. no sir. no sir. when i thank someone i really thank them. so, thank... yoooou!
levitan: you're welcome.
e: people don't say "god bless you " as much as they used to. have you noticed that?
levitan: no.
e: so, i'm going to a nudist colony next week.
levitan: nudist colony?
e: ph, yeah. yeah. i love nudist colonies. they help me..unwind. aah!
levitan: [laughing] i'd never been to a nudist colony.
e: oh, really? oh, you should go. they're great. they're great. of course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this clothing, you know. so, a lot of times, i'll just lock the door to my office and i'll just sit there naked.
levitan: seriously?
e: oh, yeah. i usually work naked a...couple hours a day.
g: [whispering] glenda, can i ask you a favor? can i have this seat?
glenda: what do you have to sit here for? there are plenty of other seats.
g: [whispering] i can't explain. it's very important that i sit here.
glenda: what are you doing here anyway? i thought you were fired.
g: [whispering] okay. okay. fine.
e: i cook naked, i clean....i clean naked, i drive naked. naked. naked. naked.
levitan: who are you?
e: oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. i'm trouble. big trouble.

[lid on machine slams shut after kramer opens it, forcing him to pour concrete all over machine]
m: what about the gentle cycle? you ever use that?
[opening lid, kramer begins to contort & flail arms about as a cloud of concrete covers his face]
j: do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?
[kramer emptying bag into machine]
j: what about fine fabrics? how do you deal with that kind of temperament?
[finished with machine, kramer walks to corner of room with half-full bag & drops it on the floor]
[kramer giving "ok" sign]
[kramer starting machine & trying to brush the mounds of concrete off of the machine]
j: what about stone washing? you ever witness one of those? that must be something. what? do they just pummel the jeans with rocks?
[kramer walks over to where jerry is standing, his entire body covered with dry concrete]
k: i didn't realize it was a full box.

g: i'm gonna count to three. if you don't give up the chair, the wig is coming off.
glenda: i don't' wear a wig.
g: one...
e: no. no. no. no. no. i don't really have a phone. in fact, i - i really don't have an apartment. i kinda sleep around.
[levitan & elaine laughing]
e: i just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever he wants. would you close your eyes for a second? i wanna tell you a secret about my bra.
[george empties contents of tiny bottle into levitan's drink]
[elaine & levitan laughing]
g: hello, rick.
levitan: heh heh heh hey! look who's here!
g: that's right, ricky boy, it's me!
levitan: you know something, costanza? i'm a very lucky man.
g: oh!
levitan: i've always been lucky. things just seem to fall right in my lap.
g: boom!
[all laughing]
levitan: you wouldn't believe it if i told you. in fact, uh, i'm glad you're here. you know, maybe i've been a little rough on ya, huh?
g: oh.
levitan: why should we let petty, personal differences get in the way of business? i, uh, i want you to come back. you can use my bathroom anytime you want.
g: you want me to come back? uh...
levitan: hey! how about a toast, huh? everybody, a toast!
g: rick.
levitan: everyone, i wanna propose a toast to ten great years at rick barr properties.
g: uh, rick..
levitan: and all the people in this room, [clears throat] that made that possible..
g: rick.
levitan: i'd also like to welcome back into the fold our..our little shrimpy friend, george costanza who, although he didn't really have a very good year -- how you blew that mcconnell deal, i'll never know. but, hey, what the hell, huh? we've always enjoyed his antics around the office. heh heh. anything you wanna add to this?
g: drink up.

g: i like history. civil war. maybe i could be a professor, or something.
e: well, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. i think you need a degree.
j: yeah. that's true. what? my god, the money! the 1500! where'd you find it?
k: it was in my laundry.
j: in your laundry the whole time? i told you not to mix in our guys. what did we figure the damage on that machine would be?
k: it was about 1200 bucks.
newman: kramer!
k: oh! that's Newman.
newman: i'm on the roof!
k: well, what are you waiting for?
j: elaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the laundromat. i gotta pay this guy the money..
g: i like horses. maybe i could be a stable boy.
k: you wanna shoot some pool tonight?
newman: i can't. i'm goin' to the movies.
g: nah. it's probably a union thing.

seinfeld: the statue

i have to tell you that i did some very exciting news recently, and i don't know if should really tell you exactly what it is because it's really not a definite thing yet. well, i will tell you what i know so far. according to the information that i have in the envelope that i've received, it seems that i may have already won some very valuable prizes. well, thank you, thank you very much, well thank you. it's very nice to hear that. but, in all honesty, i have to say, i didn't even know i was in this thing. but, according to the readout, it looks like i am among the top people that they are considering. you know, that's what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, "you may have already won." i'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. send out envelopes, "you have definitely lost!" you turn it over, giant printing, "not even close!" you open it up, there's this whole letter of explanation, "even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest."

[jerry's apartment]
(george is reading the paper. kramer and jerry both try to enter carrying a large carton with the name seinfeld on it)
j: (trying to get the box through the door. to kramer) to the right. (they get it through)
g: that took awhile.
j: (sarcastic) don't get up.
g: i'd like to help, but my neck..
(the set the box on the table)
g: so how long has it been in the basement?
j: since my grandfather died. i was suppose to send it down to my parents in florida, but they didn't want it. they told me to get rid of it, but i felt funny and then i sort of forgot about it. and it's been sitting down there for three years.. until he saw it. (to kramer) alright, so, just take what you want and let's get it out of here.
(they open the box, and start going through it)
g: what's in it?
j: grandpa clothes. i can't wear them.
k: (pulls out some socks) you want these? knee socks. you don't wear knee socks.
j: no, go ahead. (looks around his apartment) look at this place. i can't wait to get it cleaned.
g: i know someone who'll do it. she's good. she's honest.
j: no, elaine got this writer friend from finland, rava. her boyfriend goes to columbia grad school, and he's suppose to do it.
g: students can't clean. it's anathema. (jerry's confused) ..they don't like it.
j: how long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?
(kramer pulls a statue out of the box)
k: now this, i like.
(george's eyes light up when he sees the statue)
g: wait a second. i can't believe this! let me see this.
k: (getting possesive) wait, wait, wait..
g: let me just see it.
k: come on..
(the both grab it)
g: let me just see it for a second. oh my god, it's exactly the same!
j: what?
g: when i was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. exactly. and, one day, i grabbed it, and i was using it as a microphone. i was singing, "macarthur park", and i got to the part about, "i'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. my parents looked at me like i smashed the ten commandments. to this day, they bring it up. it was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
(george grips the statue, but kramer wont let go. they start to fight for it)
k: c'mon, george. i saw it first.
g: no, kramer. i have to have this statue.
k: no, i got dibs!
g: what? no dibs! i need this statue. c'mon, give it!
j: (stepping in) spread out, spread out you numbskulls. why don't you just settle it like mature adults?
k: potato man!
g: no, no, no potato man.. inka-dink.
(kramer and george both visibly add up in their heads to see who would lose if inka-dink was the way to go)
k: okay.. start with me.
g: yeah, good, good.
(jerry begins the childish choosing game of inka-dink, pointing alternately between kramer and george with every syllable)
j: inka-dink, a bottle of ink. the cork fell out, and you stink. not because you're dirty, not because you're clean - just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine.. (he lands on kramer, then completes the rhyme) and you are it! (lands on george)
k: what?! wait a minute. no, no, no. what are you doing? no, no, oh, oh, okay. he's out. i get it.
g: no, no, no, no.. i'm "it". i win.
j: no, he's it. he wins. "it" is good.
k: do over - start with him.
j: no, no, no, come on, kramer. now, you got the socks.
(kramer tosses the statue to george)
k: alright, you can have it. okay, i'm gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat.
j: alright, c'mon. let's go.
k: hey, i'll look like joe friday in dragnet. (hums out the theme song)
g: (in shock) i can't believe i won at inka-dink.
j: come on, let's go. (they go to the door. george sets the statue down) aren't you gonna take it?
g: no, no, no, i don't want to carry it around all night. i'll pick it up later.
g: (to kramer) what about your stuff?
k: oh, uh, well - okay. (balls up the clothes he just got, and throws them into his apartment, and leaves)
j: alright, let's go. hey, you know, you owe me one.
g: what?
j: the inka-dink.. you were "it".
g: "it"'s bad?
j: "it" very bad.

[jerry's apartment]
rava: well, if they don't let you be my editor on this book, i'll go to another publisher. it's that simple.
e: you told them that?
rava: of course.
e: this is so fantastic. i don't know how to thank you.
(jerry enters for the bedroom carrying luggage)
j: (frantic) so, where's this boyfriend of yours? i can't wait much longer. i've got a flight.
e: oh, probably caught in traffic.
rava: (serious) or maybe he's dead.
j: (joking) so what do you write, children's books?
(there's a knock at the door)
rava: that's ray.
(ray enters with cleaning gear)
ray: ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. i beg your forgiveness. my tardiness was unavoidable. rava, my love. elaine, my dear friend.. and you must be jerry. lord of the manor. ah, my liege. a pleasure to serve you. (bows)
j: (taken aback) ..alright.
rava: and we have to get back to work. (she exits with elaine)
j: (rushed) i gotta get to the airport.
ray: your place shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, sire.
j: the toilet brush is under the sink.. (exits)

i don't really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because there's that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. you know, you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, "i'm really sorry about this. i don't know why i let that stuff over there." and that's why i could never be a maid, because i'd have an attitude. i'd find them, whereever they are in the house, "oh, i suppose you couldn't do this? no, don't get up, let me clean up your filth. no, you couldn't dust. no, this is too tough, isn't it?"

[jerry's apartment]
j: he really did an amazing job, look! he uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid. (opens refrigerator) he cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups. come here, look at this. (gets on his knees) he cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. how did he get in there? he must be like rubber man!
e: there's no rubber man.
j: why did i think there was a rubber man? there's elastic man and plastic man.
e: i'm leaving.
j: where are you going?
e: to rava's house. i've gotta pick up her manuscript.
j: wait. i'll go with you. (they both go tward the door. jerry opens it) elaine, he windexed the little peep hole! (the leave)

[rava's apartment]
(jerry, elaine, and rava sit in the living room)
e: (to rava) so, the meeting with lippman is all set. he's the editor-in-chief! i think because of your request..
rava: demand. (the sound of locks being unlocked can be heard) there's ray.. late as usual.
(ray enters)
ray: well, this is an unexpected surprise - and delight! the once and future king of comedy, "jerry the first," gracing our humble abode. rava, we're in the presence of royalty.
j: hey, ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment.
ray: but i didn't just clean your apartment. it was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life.
j: (joking about his personality) shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?
(they all laugh - ray laughs longer than everyone else. jerry savors the laughs of his big fan - then he sees george's statue on the mantle of the fireplace. he's stunned by the sight)
rava: the water is boiling. are you having tea?
e & ray: yes.
(jerry's still stunned)
e: jerry? ..jerry!
j: (snaps out of it) what?
rava: (from the kitchen) ray, would you give me a hand?
ray: yeah, i'm coming!
(he leaves. as soon as both rava and ray are in the kitchen, jerry and elaine start talking in loud whispers)
j: (points to the statue) i think that's the statue from my house. that looks like the statue from my house!
e: what statue?
j: i had a statue!
e: you have a statue? i never saw a statue.
j: my grandfather gave me a statue!
e: since when?
j: what's the difference?! that's the one! he ripped me off! this guy ripped me off!
(ray pops his head back into the living room)
ray: do you take sugar?
j & e: uhh.. no.
(ray goes back into the kitchen)
j: i can't believe it! this guy ripped me off!
e: do you realize what you're saying?
j: yes! this guy ripped me off! he stole that statue right out of my house!
(ray pops in again)
ray: lemon?
j & e: (causual) uh.. sure, yeah..
(ray goes back into the kitchen)
e: are you sure?
j: pretty sure! ninety-nine percent sure.
e: ninety-nine percent sure?!
(ray and rava both enter, carrying a tray of tea)
ray: ah, sweet elixir. it's fragrant nectar - a soothing balm for the soul.
(jerry smells it suspiciously - like it's poisoned. a ding from the kitchen can be heard)
ray: the pastries!
(ray and rava exit in different directions)
e: maybe it just looks the same. maybe it's just a coincidence.
j: coincidence? this guy's in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment.
e: i never saw the statue.
j: i had a statue! what should i do?
e: i don't know.
j: i'll call kramer. he can check my house. (grabs the phone, and dials)
e: oh jerry, don't blow this for me.
j: don't worry.. (whispering into the phone) kramer! kramer!.. it's jerry!.. jerry! .. from next door!.. never mind where i am!.. Yes, jerry seinfeld!.. (rava enters with a manuscript. jerry starts talking casually)
j: ma, i told ya, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan. okay, bye. (hangs up) my mother.. she forgot how to make french toast. you know how mothers are.
rava: my mother left us when i was six years old. all seven of us. we ever heard from her again. i hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere.
(a long beat passes)
j: my mom's down in Florida.. she's go one of those condos.. hot down there in the summer. you ever been down there?
(ray enters with a tray of pastries)
ray: i love these pastries. you know, in scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods.
j: listen, i just remembered.. i'm ..uh, getting a facial.
e: (takes the manuscript) oh, see you tomarrow morning.
(they go to leave)
ray: oh, how about dinner?
j: no, i don't eat dinner. dinner's for suckers. (they leave)

[jerry's apartment]
j: (on the phone) uh huh.. yeah.. okay, thanks anyway. bye. (hangs up) nope, the cop says it's my word against his. there's nothing they can do.
k: let's go get him.
j: yeah, right.
g: we can't just let him get away with this.
j: do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? he knew i was gonna know it's missing, and he took it! and of all things to take - i left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. he's crazy.
k: you wanta go get him?
e: well, then, if he's crazy you should just forget it.
g: forget it? i already called my parents. i told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. my mother's making her roasted potatoes!
e: george, do you realize that rava's asked me to edit her book?
g: who is this rava?
k: i say we get him.
e: no!
g: let me just call him.
j: i'll call him. (picks up the cordless phone. kramer, george, and elaine all struggle for control of the other - so they can listen in on the conversation. as jerry's talking, the three others still fight) hello, ray? ..hi, ray, this is rava's friend, elaine's frined, jerry.. the king of comedy.. right. listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (to kramer and george) will you shut up?! (to ray) yeah, you don't want to talk about it over the phone? you don't want rava to hear? ..yeah, i understand.. you know that coffee shop near my house, monk's? ..alright, tomarrow. one o' clock. great, okay, bye. (hangs up)
e: (scrambling) alright, look, look, look, let's say he stole it.
g: oh, he stole it?
e: c'mon, you can't do anything about it. the cops won't do anything. what, are you going to fight him? why don't you just.. forget it?
j & g: no.

[coffee shop]
(jerry sits alone. in the next booth to jerry's back, george is sitting inconspicuously)
g: (to jerry, without looking at him) i thought you said one o' clock.
k: relax, he's late. he's always late. It's part of his "m.o."
g: remember, don't take any crap.
j: yeah, yeah.. don't worry about it.
g: i'll be right here.
(ray enters)
j: (sarcastic) that's comforting.. shh. he's here. (greeting him) ray?
ray: (stands next to the table) oh, jerry. i can't believe you asked me about that statue. do you know how much trouble you could've got me into?
j: ..well, i didn't..
ray: rava was standing right next to me. i never told her where i got the statue.
g: (muttering to himself) i wonder why.
j: well, just give it back, and i won't say anything.
ray: give it back?
j: yeah.
ray: what are you talking about?
k: what are you talking about?
g: (muttering) what is he talking about..
ray: i'm talking about the statue.
j: yeah, me too.
ray: give it back to whom?
j: me.
g: (to himself) yeah, him.
ray: you?
j: yeah. me.
ray: i'm not getting this.
g: (to himself) you already got it.
j: ray, i had a statue in my house. you were in my house - and then i saw it in your house.
ray: what are you saying?
j: what am i saying?
g: (to himself) take a wild guess.
ray: are you saying i stole your statue?
g: (to himself) what a mind.
j: well, i..
ray: i can't believe what i'm hearing.
j: i can't believe what i'm hearing.
g: (to himself) i can't believe what i'm hearing.
ray: for your information, i got that statue at a pawn shop.
g: (to himself) a pawn shop?
j: a pawn shop?
ray: yes. in Chinatown with the money i earned cleaning people's apartments.
g: (to himself) and cleaning them out.
(jerry elbows george - a message to shut up)
j: oh, excuse me.. look, ray, you were the only person in my house.
ray: what's behind this? it's rava, isn't it?
g: (to himself) again with the Rava.
ray: you want her.
j: (joking) no, she's a little too cheery for me.
ray: she's from finland, for crying out loud. finland! do you understand?!
j: i know finland. they're neutral.
ray: is it me? do i rub you the wrong way?
j: no, i actually find you quite charming.. a bit verbose at times.
g: (mocking) "oh, I find you so charming" ..you wuss.
j: (to George) did you call me a wuss?
ray: what did you say?
j: i said luss.. i'm at a luss..
ray: i would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it.
j: that's not necessary. (george slams his menu down on the table in anger) you know, maybe it's not that bad an idea.
ray: and i would love to. nothing would please me more. but, unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to singapore.
g: (muttering to himself) singapore?! do you hear this?
ray: if you really want, maybe i can contact the guy in singapore aand have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over.
g: that's it! that's it! i can't take it. i can't take it anymore! (gets up, turns around, and confronts ray) you stole the statue! you're a theif! you're a liar!
j: (pleading) george.
ray: (to jerry) who is this?
g: i'm the judge and the jury, pal. and the verdict is.. guilty!
ray: what's going on here?
g: guilty!
ray: your friend is crazy.
g: oh, i'm crazy!
j: (still pleading) george, george..
ray: i've got to get going. i have a class.
g: oh ho! class, huh? at columbia? let me tell you something, pal. i called the registrar's office. i checked you out. they have no record of a ray thomas at that school! you liar!
ray: well, that's because i'm registered under my full legal name, raymond thomas wochinski. ray thomas is my professional name.
g: you mean alias.
ray: you are starting to make me angry.
g: well, that was bound to happen!
ray: (to jerry) i hope you think about what you've done here today.. and if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me. (goes to leave)
j: hey, ray.
ray: (stops) yes?
j: how did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? it was like a brand-new nozzle!

[pendant publishing]
(elaine and rava are waiting for an elevator)
e: nervous?
rava: why should i be?
e: yeah. right.
rava: your notes are very insightful.
e: the book is great. did you go out last night?
rava: no. we made love on the floor like two animals. ray is insatiable.
e: they all are..
rava: was jerry?
e: i can't remember..
(doors open. they step in)
rava: you know, ray is very upset over these accusations.
e: oh, well, i'm staying out of this one. this is between them. i am not getting involved.
(the doors close. scene cuts to moments later, on another floor. the doors open)
rava: (annoyed) so you think he stole it?!
e: well, you have to admit.. the circumstantial evidence.
rava: i admit nothing!
(the doors close. scene cuts to the inside of the elevator)
man: will you put that cigarette out, please?
(rava ignores him)
e: well, i mean, he was in the apartment, and then it's gone and it's in your apartment.
rava: maybe you think we're in cahoots.
e: no, no.. but it is quite a coincidence.
rava: yes, that's all, a coincidence!
e: a big coincidence.
rava: not a big coincidence. a coincidence!
e: no, that's a big coincidence.
rava: that's what a coincidence is! there are no small coincidences and big coincidences!
e: no, there are degrees of coincidences.
rava: no, there are only coincidences! ..ask anyone! (enraged, she asks everone in the elevator) are there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? (silent) ..well?! well?!..
(everyone just kinda shrugs, then murmurs. the doors open)
man: will you put that cigarette out?!
rava: (pointing the lit end at him) maybe i put it out on your face! (to elaine) it's just like ray said - you and jerry are jealous of our love. you're trying to destroy us.
e: shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?
(the doors close. scene cuts to another floor. the elevator is empty except for elaine. there's a janitor's cart parked right outside the doors. she steps out, then throws the manuscript into the garbage can of the cart, and exits)

[jerry's apartment]
g: (on the phone) ma, will you stop?.. it's just a statue! how is it my fault?! ..it was stolen. i didn't even touch it this time.. okay, fine. i don't see why this should affect to potatoes! okay. goodbye. (hangs up) she doesn't react to disappointement very well.. unlike me.
k: i'm not happy about this.
e: why don't we just throw a molotov cocktail through their window?
g: there's just no justice. this experience has changed me. ot's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.
j: really?
g: (casually) sure. why not?
e: well, how do you think i feel? instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, i am proofreading a food allergy cookbook.
j: can't you talk to your boss?
e: i did. he loves Rava.. worse.. he loves Ray, and he doesn't think you're funny at all.
k: i'm not happy about this.
j: well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice..
g: yeah.. he'll have my parents!

[rava and ray's apartment]
(ray's home alone. there's a knock at the door)
k: police! open up!
ray: police? (opens the door a crack - kramer barges in like a cop. he's wearing jerry's grandfather's suit and hat. he forces ray against the wall - face first)
k: freeze, mother!
ray: hey..
(kramer shoves him roughly against the wall)
k: shut up. spread 'em. i said spread 'em! (looks around) you're in big trouble son. burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods.. and uh, uh.. murder.
ray: murder?!
(kramer shoves him against the wall)
k: shut up! keep 'em spread! just make love to that wall, pervert!
ray: i think you have me confused with somebody else.
k: (afraid he's got the wrong guy) is your name ray?
ray: yeah.
k: (assured) yeah, you're the punk i'm looking for. (grabs the statue from the mantle, and puts it in his bag)
ray: hey, hey, are you a cop?
k: yeah, i'm a cop. i'm a good cop. i'm a damn good cop! today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause i'm gonna let you off with a warning. any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. you got me?
ray: got you? i don't even know what the hell you're talking about.
k: good. good. ket's keep it that way. (exits)

[jerry's apartment]
(kramer guides jerry, elaine, and george into the apartment)
j: alright, alright. what's the big hubbub, bub?
(kramer runs to his apartment, then returns with a duffel bag. he places it on the table, and reveals the statue)
g: kramer, i can't believe it. oh, you're my hero!
k: yeah.
j: kramer, what did you do?
k: well, let's put it this way: i didn't take him to people's court.
g: o feel like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders. (giddily) i.. i.. i feel happy! kramer, i don't know how to thank you!
k: well, i'll think of something.. (slaps george on the back - sending the statue crashing to the ground)

people are going to steal from you. you can't stop them. but, everybody has their own little personal security things - things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? in your own mind, right? ..you go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker. who's gonna know? what criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? i tied a bow. they can't get through that. i put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. they never look there. they check the heel, they move on.

seinfeld: the appartment

well, i painted my apartment again. i've been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time i paint it, it kinda gets me down. i look around, and i think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. you know, i realize it's just the thickness of the paint, but i'm aware of it. it keeps coming in and coming in. everytime i paint it, it's closer and closer. i don't even know where the wall outlets are anymore. i just look for like a lump with two slots in it. kinda looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. that's where i plug in.. my idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the starship enterprise. you know what i mean? big chair, nice screen, remote control.. that's why star trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. just hurling through space in your living room, watching tv.
that's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because kirk was the only one that had a big screen. they came over friday night, klingon boxing.. gotta be there.

[jerry's apartment]
(jerry and elaine are looking at kramer with their arms folded. his hair is slicked down)
j: what did you do?
k: mousse. i moussed up.
e: i guess it was just a matter of time.
k: you know, i should've done this years ago. i mean, i feel like i had two lives. my pre-mousse and now, i begin my post-mousse. hey, tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better looking guy?
j: oh, look, its so subjective.
e: i don't mean to interrupt or anything, but on sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the new york marathon.
k: oh, i keep forgetting to enter that.
e: she lives right above first avenue, and says she has a perfect view of the race. and she said i can invite some friends.
j: maybe.
(a loud argument erupts in the hallway between harold and manny, the building supervisors)
harold: no, i'm not going up there. (manny screams out something in spanish)
j: harold and manny.
harold: i'm not going. (manny says something in spanish, jerry goes out into the hall)
j: boys, boys.
harold: oh, jerry.
j: i slid the rent under your door, harold. did you get it?
harold: yeah, yeah.. (joking) hey, jerry, would you like anything from mrs. hudwalker's apartment? (manny starts yelling at harold in spanish) i was only joking. (to jerry) he thinks i'm going to give you mrs. hudwalker's things. (manny starts talking in spanish) we have to go up there now and clean the apartment. it's a good thing her rent was overdue. she'd be rotting up there for a month.
j: she died? ..mrs. hudwalker died?
harold: ninety-four years old. i found her yesterday. she didn't have a wig on. it was horrifying.
manny: harold, (in spanish) come on, hurry up!
harold: (to manny) what's the matter with you?! i'm talking. so, jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment?
j: are you kidding? you know my friend elaine?
harold: oh yeah, i like her. she always says "hello" to me.
j: it's not promised to anybody? cause she would take it in a second.
harold: well, manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported. (manny starts protesting in spanish) what's the difference? it's true.
j: so, it's okay? i could just tell her she can have it?
harold: sure, sure. she's getting a bargain, too. it's only four hundred dollars a month. (manny yells in spanish) okay.. (manny keeps talking in spanish) okay.
(jerry goes back to his apartment, passing kramer on the way)
k: (talking about his hair) hey, harold, what do you think?
harold: manny, look, kramer put mousse in his hair.
manny: (in spanish) it looks worse.
k: (not knowing what manny said) Thanks.
(jerry enters his apartment)
e: what was that all about?
j: oh, nothing important.
e: what's going on? what is that look?
j: what look? nothing.
e: something's going on here.
j: i don't know if you should sit for this or not. sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down.. i can't decide.
e: jumping up and down? what are you talking about? c'mon. cough it up.
j: oh, elaine. you know the way i am - rarely ever thinking of myself. my only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. sure, it hurts sometimes - to give, and give, and give.
e: would you please?
j: what would you say if i told you that..
e: told me what?!
j: ..i got you an apartment in this building.
e: (dumbfounded) no.
j: yes.
e: no.
j: yes.
e: you didn't.
j: i did.
e: you got me an apartment in the building?!
j: i got you an apartment in the building.
e: how did you..
j: remember mrs. hudwalker? the ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me?
e: no.
j: she died.
e: (thrilled) she died?!
j: she died.
e: she died!
j: and the rent's only four hundred dollars a month!
e: get out! (pushes jerry, he stumbles back) four hundred a month? only four hundred a month?!
j: four hundred a month.
e: and i'll be right upstairs?
j: right upstairs.
e: right above you?
j: right above me.
e: oh, we're neighbors. i'll be here all the time!
j: (suddenly having second thoughts) all the time..
e: we can exchange keys so we can come in and out. oh, this is going to be great!
j: ..all the time..

the problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. i think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. you mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. you know what i mean? think of the things you wish you could take back. you're out somewhere with people, "gee, you look pregnant.. are ya?" "cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. walk out the door, and come back in. let's take this whole scene again. people, think about what you're saying!"

[coffee shop]
g: (pays his bill) thanks, see ya later, donna. (walks out, he runs into jerry outside the shop) what happened to you?
j: you can't believe what i just did.
g: what? what did you do?
j: i could tell you what i did, but you wouldn't believe it. it's not believable.
g: what did you do?
j: how could i have done that?
g: done what?
j: i told elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. she's going to move in.
g: elaine's moving into your building?
j: yes. right above me.
g: right above you?
j: yes.
g: you're gonna be neighbors.
j: i know. neighbors.
g: she's right above you?
j: right above me.
g: how could you do that?
j: cause i'm an idiot! you may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect - i'm a much bigger idiot than you are.
g: don't insult me, my friend. remember who you're talking to. no one's a bigger idiot than me.
j: did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?
g: did you ever go to a singles weekend in the poconos?
g: she's right in my building! right above me! every time i come in the building, i'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
g: you're doomed. you're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. it'll be like a permanent road trip. forget about the home bed advantage.
j: but i need the home bed advantage!
g: of course, we all do.
j: (gesturing to the coffee shop) come in for two minutes and sit with me.
g: i was just in there. it's embarrassing.
j: oh, who's gonna know?
g: they saw me walk out.
j: two minutes.
(scene cuts to jerry and george in the coffee shop)
j: my censoring system broke down. you know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? makes sure you don't make a mistake? he went for a cup of coffee, and in that second - ruined my life.
g: my censor quit two years ago. he checked into a clinic. emotionally exhausted.
j: so, is there any way out of this elaine thing?
g: tough.
j: you know, the water pressure's terrible in my building.. and she loves a good shower.
g: i don't think anyone's turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray.
j: if they were fanatic about showers, they might.
g: for that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to..
j: look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned beef hash. isn't that child abuse?
g: i'd like to have a kid. of course, you have to have a date first.. remember my friend, adam, from detroit?
j: yeah, the guy with the flat head?
g: he's a cube.. anyway, he got married six months ago. he told me ever since he's been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes.
j: yeah, i've heard that about wedding bands.
g: (joking) i wonder if that's really true.
j: that would be an interesting sociological experiment. you know, kramer has his father's band. he'd loan it to you.

[apartment buliding hallway]
(george is trying on a wedding band)
g: thanks a lot. i"ll give it back to you in a week.
k: you know, i don't even know why you're fooling around with this ring. i've been telling you, get yourself some plugs, or a piece.
g: i'm not doing that.
k: oh, man. you know, you're crazy. you're a good looking guy. what do you want to walk around like that for?
g: no, i'll put half a can of mousse in my head like you.
(manny and harold are arguing again from down the hall)
harold: i told you i don't like these sponges, they're too small! i want a big sponge! (manny yells) you can't pick up anything with these! there's no absorption!
(manny yells in spanish, jerry exits his apartment)
j: boys, boys.
harold: hi, jerry.
manny: hello, jerry. (says something in spanish to harold)
harold: okay.. your friend can't have the apartment, jerry.
j: what?
harold: because somebody offered manny five thousand dollars for the apartment. i don't want to do it. manny wants to do it. (manny yells) because it's true! Why shouldn't I tell him?
j: hey, hey. i understand. you're businessmen. (manny talks in spanish)
harold: oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand dollars, we'll give it to her.
j: well, that's a lot of money. but, if that's the way it's gotta be, that's the way it's gotta be. (goes back to his apartment) you know, i used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events, but i see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.
g: what happened to you?
j: religion, my friend, that's what happened to me. because, i have just been informed that it's going to cost elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the
apartment upstairs.
g: five thousand dollars? she doesn't have five thousand dollars!
j: of course she doesn't have five thousand dollars!
g: so, she can't get the apartment.
j: can't get it.
g: so, she doesn't move in.
j: no move. so, you see, it's all part of a divine plan.
g: and how does the baldness fit into that plan?
(the intercom buzzes)
j: (into the intercom) elaine?
e: yeah.
j: (unlocks the main door. to George) alright, this is going to require some great acting now. i have to pretend Iim disappointed. you're going to really see me being a phony, now. i hope you can take this.. maybe you should go in the other room.
g: are you kidding?! i lie ever second of the day. my whole life is a sham!
j: cause you know, i love elaine.
g: of course you do.
j: but you know.. not in the building. really, i feel terrible about this. my intentions were good. what can i do? tell me..
(enter elaine)
e: (to someone in the hallway) no, i'll be seeing you. (starts to sing) "good morning, good morning.." have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt it's great to be alive? that every breath is a gift of sweet life from above? (george leaves, and goes to the other room) oh, and before i forget, i have the checks for first month, last month, security deposit. i have seventy-five dollars left in my account.
j: (looks at the checks) well.. there's a little bit of a problem.
e: oh, i know. there's a weak shower spray, i know. i've already thought about it, and i'm switching to baths. as winston churchill said, "why stand when you can sit?" maybe i'll get some rubber duckies..
j: no, someone offered harold and manny five thousand for the apartment. i'm sure they'd just as soon give it to you, but you'd have to come up with that money.
e: five thousand dollars? i don't have five thousand dollars.
j: i know.
e: how am i going to get five thousand dollars?
j: i have no idea.
(enter kramer)
k: hey, my new neighbor!
e: i'm not moving in.
k: what?
e: they want five thousand dollars now.
k: so, okay. what's the problem?
e: i don't have five thousand dollars.
k: c'mon, you can come up with five thousand dollars.. jerry, you don't have five thousand dollars you can led her? come on.
j: yeah, well, i didn't.. is that something you want to borrow?
e: no, that's too much money to borrow.
k: loan her the money. you can afford it.
j: she doesn't want to borrow the money.
k: oh, c'mon. she'll pay you back. what's five grand between friends?
e: of course i'd pay you back..
k: yeah, so what's the problem?
j: who said there's a problem?
k: he said he'd loan you the money.
e: well jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back. maybe a few years. how do you feel about that?
k: that's okay. he doesn't care.
e: you know, money can sometimes come between friends.
k: get outta here.
e: let me think about it.
k: what's to think about?
e: i don't know.. i don't know. five thousand.. let me just take one more look at it. (leaves)
j: it was all over! taken care of. done! finished. five thousand.. where's she gonna get five thousand? she doesn't have five thousand. clean. good bye. she's gone. then you come in, "why don't you loan her five thousand? what do you care? you've got five thousand. give her five thousand."
k: you didn't want her in the building?
j: no, i didn't!
k: well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for? oh, look, maybe she won't take it.. i mean, she did say that she was going to think about it.
j: people don't turn down money! it's what separates us from the animals.
k: i still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.
j: let me explain something to you.. you see, you're not normal. you're a great guy, i love you, but you're a pod. i, on the other hand, am a human being. i sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. you wouldn't understand.
k: because i'm a pod?
(george returns for jerry's bedroom just as elaine returns)
e: i'll take it!
(george turns on his heels, and goes back into jerry's room)

[roxanne's apartment]
(guests are milling around, eating. elaine enters with jerry and george. roxanne greets them)
roxanne: hi, elaine..
e: oh, hi, roxanne. nice to be here. these are my friends. this is george, and this is jerry. (they exchange greetings) jerry's the one who got me my new apartment!
roxanne: so, you're elaine's hero.
j: yeah, it's my life's work.
roxanne: there are so few true heros left in this world. (jerry's attracted to roxanne, elaine notices)
g: (showing off his wedding band) yeah, my wife couldn't make it today. she's got some thing with her mother.. who know's what going on with her. don't let any one kid you, it's tough. (goes off to mingle)
j: well, better load up on some carbos before the race. (starts selecting food from the tables)
roxanne: oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?
j: oh, yes. particularily if your not in it.
roxanne: i wish we had a view of the finish line.
j: what's to see? a woman from norway, a guy from kenya, and twenty thousand losers.
(roxanne makes a face, scene guts to george. he's standing next to an attractive woman)
g: ..yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today. i'm tellin' ya, it's one thing after another.
rita: is she here?
g: no, she's working.
rita: what does she do?
g: she's an.. entymologist - you know, bees, flies, gnats. what about you?
rita: i work for the Director of madison square garden. it's great! i can get free tickets to any sporting even in new york. (george is stunned) anyway, she's a very luck woman.
g: but.. (she leaves, george is standing there)
(scene cuts to an entering man and woman)
roxanne: hi stan. joanne.
e: 1erry, this is 1oanne, and this is stan. they're in my short story class with Roxanne and me. hey, 1erry just got me a great apartment in his building!
joanne: well, jerry, it'll be nice having a close friend nearby?
j: fantastic..
stan: she can pop in whenever she wants.
j: i know.
joanne: she doesn't even need to knock!
j: it's tremendous.
stan: anytime of day.
j: i'm in heaven.
e: oh, rita come here. this is jerry. he's the one who got me the apartment.
rita: oh, hi. (calling to someone) bob, this is the guy who got elaine the apartment.
(scene cuts to george)
g: i'm sorry, i don't see the big deal about being a matador. the bull charges, you move the cape, wha't so hard? (the both laugh flirtingly)
susie: so, are you really married? because, i've actually heard of single guys who wear wedding bands to attrack women.
g: you'd have to be a real loser to try something like that.
susie: that's too bad, because i really have a thing for bald guys with glasses. (shrugs, smiles, then leaves george)
rita: hey everybody! here come the runners!
(everyone runs to the windows. jerry and elaine stay put)
e: so you and roxanne are hitting it off, huh?
j: oh, i wouldn't quite say that.
e: really? from a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her.
j: i'm a guy.. it always looks like that.
e: because, i was thinking.. are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, y'kno.. cramp our styles?
j: na..
e: because, i was worried that there might be a situation in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little uncomfortable. but - as long as you're okay with it, it's fine with me.
(scene cuts to george)
janice: i've never been able to be with just one person. i can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years. it's a shame you're married..
g: (frantically tries to take the ring off) i'm not. it's just a sociological experiment!
janice: please.. (walks away)
(jerry walks over to george)
j: you have no idea what an idiot it. elaine just gave me a chance to get out and i didn't take it. (points to himself) this is an idiot.
g: is that right? (showing him up) i just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in madison square garden. so please, a little respect. For i am costanza. lord of the idiots!
roxanne: (yelling out the window) you're all winners!
g: but suddenly, a new contender has emerged..

[jerry's apartment]
j: (into the phone) george, i didn't sleep at all last night.. i decided i have to tell her.. i'm just going to be honest. that's all.. yes, i'm nervous.. are you listening to me? just put some soap on your finger.. it'll slide right off.. Then try axle grease. (kramer enters) i'll call you back after i talk to her. bye.
k: well, it's all taken care of. everything's cool.
j: what? what's cool?
k: elaine.
j: what are you talking about?
k: i just found a guy who's willing to pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment.
j: you what?! get out! ten thousand?
k: (nods) cash.
j: who would pay that much?
k: he's in the music business.
j: elaine would never borrow that much money! (hugs Kramer, then grabs him by the cheeks) kramer, my mod, man! this is beautiful! i think i'm in the clear here. elaine's not moving in! i don't have to confront her! she has no idea i never wanted her to move in.. i'm golden!
k: well, occasionally, i like to help the humans.

[jerry's apartment]
(harold and manny are in jerry's apartment. a pulsing music is coming through the walls)
e: wow. you're right. that is loud.
j: it's just unbelievable.
e: they rehearse all the time?
j: all the time. i've been up there six times. they refuse to stop. i can't live like this. i don't know what i'm gonna do. i'm heading for breakdown! (to harold) can't you do something?
harold: i'm not going up. it stinks up there.
j: manny..
manny: (in spanish) they're allowed to play until eleven o' clock.
harold: i'm not the one who said eleven o' clock. he makes up his own rules.
e: boy, too bad. if I was up there, you'd never hear a peep out of me. i'm as quiet as a mouse.
(kramer enters)
k: (talking about the music) oh, i love the one they do right after this one!

i don't know. what do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three o' clock in the morning? i mean, can you knock on someone's door and tell them to keep it down? you're really altering your whole self-image, i mean, what am i? fred mertz now? what's happening to me? can i do this? am i a shusher? i used to be a shushee. there's a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. people are always shushing. shh..shh.... shhh... shhh.. doesn't work, 'cause nobody knows where a shush is coming from. they just hear a shh. "was that a shush? i think somebody just shushed me." some people you can't shush in a movie theater. there's always that certain group of people, isn't it. they're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. they won't shush. They're the unshushables.